Five Funny Messages to Send via Twitter

- The longest sentence known to man: "I do."

- I only use deodorant under one arm, so I know what I would have
smelled like.

- Crime doesn't pay… Does that mean my job is a crime?

- This dog, is dog, a dog, good dog, way dog, to dog, keep dog, an
dog, idiot dog, busy dog, for dog, 20 dog, seconds dog! … Now read
without the word dog.

- Do you ever notice that when you're driving, anyone going slower
than you is an idiot and everyone driving faster than you is a maniac?

Not What You Expected

Walking along the beach, Dave tripped over a half-buried kerosene
lantern. He rubbed its side and sure enough, a Genie materialized.

"I can't grant your wishes," explained the freed spirit. "But I'll
give you three gifts for releasing me: a potion to cure ill health, a
very large diamond, and a dinner date with a famous movie star. By
tomorrow afternoon, you will have received all these gifts."

When Dave returned home from work the next evening, he excitedly asked
his mother if anything had been delivered.

"Yes," she replied. "It's been an unusual day. At 2 p.m., a 55-gallon
drum of chicken soup arrived. About a half-hour later, a telegram came
saying that a long-lost relative had left you a minor-league baseball
stadium. Ten minutes ago, MGM called, inviting you to dinner with
Lassie tonight."

Gorilla Bar

A gorilla walks into a bar. The bartender comes up to him and asks him
what he wants. "A scotch on the rocks, please." He then lays a ten-
dollar bill on the bar.

The bartender takes the money and goes to fix the gorilla's drink. He
thinks to himself, "Hey, this is a gorilla. He doesn't know about the
prices of drinks," and takes fifteen cents back as change. He sets the
drink and the money on the bar.

Another bartender asks the first bartender about the gorilla and he
says, "Yeah, he's nice. Go talk to him."

The second bartender goes to the gorilla and strikes up a
conversation. "Hey there. You know, we don't get too many gorillas in
here."

The gorilla responded, "Well, at $9.85 a drink, I surely ain't coming
back."

Very Weak

One weekend, a man decided to call his mother in Florida because it
had been quite some time since they had chatted. The man asked his
mother, "How are you doing?"

She said, "Not to good. I' have been very weak."

The son then asked, "Mom, why are you so weak?"

She said, "Because I haven't eaten in 38 days."

The son then asked, "How come you haven't eaten in 38 days?"

His mother replied, "Because I didn't want my mouth to be filled with
food when you called."

Selling a Policy

A man walks into an insurance office and asks for a job. "We don't
need any one," they replied.

"You can't afford not to hire me. I can sell anyone anytime any thing."

"We have two prospects that no one has been able to sell. If you can
sell just one, you have a job."

He was gone for about two hours and returned and handed them two
checks, one for a $80,000 policy and another for a $50,000 policy.
"How in the world did you do that," they asked.

"I told you I'm the world's best salesman, I can sell anyone anywhere
anytime."

"Did you get a urine sample?" they asked him.

"Why's that?" he asked.

"Well, if you sell a policy over $40,000 the company requires a urine
sample. Take these two bottles and go back and get urine samples."

He was gone for about eight hours and then he walks in with two five
gallon buckets, one in each hand. He sets the buckets down and reaches
in his shirt pocket and produces two bottles of urine and sets them on
the desk and says, "Here's Mr. Brown's and this one is Mr. Smith's."

"That's good," they said, "but what's in those two buckets?"

"Well, I passed by the school house and they were having a state
teachers convention and I sold them a group policy!"