27 June, 2011

Stealing Dresses

Judge: "You admit breaking into the dress shop four times?"

Defendant: "Yes, your honor."

Judge: "What did you steal?"

Defendant: "A dress, Your Honor."

Judge: "One dress? And yet you admit breaking in four times!"

Defendant: "Well, your Honor, you see the first three times my wife didn't like the color."

12 June, 2011

Without Bias

Judge to the court, at the start of a case: "I have to declare an interest in this case. Last week, the plaintiff sent me a check for $10,000 to find in his favor. 

Two days later, I received $20,000 from the defendant to find in his favor. 

I have therefore sent $10,000 back to the defendant and can try the case without bias."

09 June, 2011

What Movies Have Taught Us

1) All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices, which have large red read-outs to tell you exactly when it will go off.

2) Should you need to pass yourself off as a German officer it will not be necessary to speak the language, a convincing accent will do.

3) All apartments in Paris overlook the Eiffel tower.

4) Most lap top computers are powerful enough to override a bank security system or the communication system of an invading alien civilization.

5) Every single person in martial arts Film has a black belt in karate.

6) When staying in a haunted house, women should investigate any strange noises in their most revealing underwear.

7) 1 man shooting at 20 men has more chance of hitting them than 20 men shooting at 1 man if he is the hero.

8) During a police investigation it will be necessary to visit a strip joint at least once.

9) Large studio-type apartments in big cities are affordable by single people with a low wage.

10) The entire British population lives in London.

11) It doesn't matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a martial arts fight; your enemies will attack you one at a time while the others dance around you menacingly.

12) In musicals everyone you meet in the street will know all the words to the songs and the steps to the dances.

13) When captured by an evil international terrorist, guns are not necessary to defeat them, sarcasm and wisecracks are your best weapons.

08 May, 2011

Cynical Meanings

Cigarette: A pinch of tobacco rolled in paper with fire at one end and a fool on the other. 

Divorce: Future tense of marriage. 

Lecture: An art of transferring information from the notes of the Lecturer to the notes of the students without passing through "the minds of either." 

Conference: The confusion of one man multiplied by the number present. 

Compromise: The art of dividing a cake in such a way that everybody believes he got the biggest piece. 

Tears: The hydraulic force by which masculine will-power is defeated by feminine water power... 

Dictionary: A place where success comes before work. 

Conference Room: A place where everybody talks, nobody listens and everybody disagrees later on. 

Classic: A book which people praise, but do not read. 

Smile: A curve that can set a lot of things straight. 

Office: A place where you can relax after your strenuous home life. 

Yawn: The only time some married men ever get to open their mouth.

01 May, 2011

Computa-holic 12-Step Program

1) I will have a cup of coffee in the morning and read my newspaper like I used to, before the Web. 

2) I will eat breakfast with a knife and fork and not with one hand typing. 

3) I will get dressed before noon. 

4) I will make an attempt to clean the house, wash clothes, and plan dinner before even thinking of the Web. 

5) I will sit down and write a letter to those unfortunate few friends and family that are Web-deprived. 

6) I will call someone on the phone who I cannot contact via the Web. 

7) I will read a book...if I still remember how. 

8) I will listen to those around me and their needs and stop telling them to turn the TV down so I can hear the music on the Web. 

9) I will not be tempted during TV commercials to check for email. 

10) I will try and get out of the house at least once a week, if it is necessary or not. 

11) I will remember that my bank is not forgiving if I forget to balance my checkbook because I was too busy on the Web. 

12) Last, but not least, I will remember that I must go to bed sometime ... and the Web will always be there tomorrow!