tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-322685222024-03-08T06:18:20.829+05:30Pallav's blogUpdates almost everyday....Unknownnoreply@blogger.comBlogger277125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-32268522.post-50124832019382581972011-06-27T12:23:00.001+05:302011-06-27T12:23:44.505+05:30Stealing Dresses<p>Judge: "You admit breaking into the dress shop four times?"</p> <p>Defendant: "Yes, your honor."</p> <p>Judge: "What did you steal?"</p> <p>Defendant: "A dress, Your Honor."</p> <p>Judge: "One dress? And yet you admit breaking in four times!"</p> <p>Defendant: "Well, your Honor, you see the first three times my wife didn't like the color."</p> Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-32268522.post-579205981168033972011-06-12T11:53:00.000+05:302011-06-12T11:54:27.270+05:30Without Bias<div></div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: 15px; -webkit-tap-highlight-color: rgba(26, 26, 26, 0.296875); -webkit-composition-fill-color: rgba(175, 192, 227, 0.230469); -webkit-composition-frame-color: rgba(77, 128, 180, 0.230469); "><p style="margin-top: 0px; padding-top: 0px; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="-webkit-tap-highlight-color: rgba(26, 26, 26, 0.289062); -webkit-composition-fill-color: rgba(175, 192, 227, 0.222656); -webkit-composition-frame-color: rgba(77, 128, 180, 0.222656); ">Judge to the court, at the start of a case: "I have to declare an interest in this case. Last week, the plaintiff sent me a check for $10,000 to find in his favor. </span></p><p style="margin-bottom: 0px; padding-bottom: 5px; ">Two days later, I received $20,000 from the defendant to find in his favor. <br><br>I have therefore sent $10,000 back to the defendant and can try the case without bias."</p></span>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-32268522.post-92028689215087351872011-06-09T13:59:00.001+05:302011-06-09T13:59:04.511+05:30What Movies Have Taught Us1) All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices, which have large red read-outs to tell you exactly when it will go off. <br><p style="margin-bottom:0px;padding-bottom:5px"> 2) Should you need to pass yourself off as a German officer it will not be necessary to speak the language, a convincing accent will do. <br> <br> 3) All apartments in Paris overlook the Eiffel tower. <br> <br> 4) Most lap top computers are powerful enough to override a bank security system or the communication system of an invading alien civilization. <br> <br> 5) Every single person in martial arts Film has a black belt in karate. <br> <br> 6) When staying in a haunted house, women should investigate any strange noises in their most revealing underwear. <br> <br> 7) 1 man shooting at 20 men has more chance of hitting them than 20 men shooting at 1 man if he is the hero. <br> <br> 8) During a police investigation it will be necessary to visit a strip joint at least once. <br> <br> 9) Large studio-type apartments in big cities are affordable by single people with a low wage. <br> <br> 10) The entire British population lives in London. <br> <br> 11) It doesn't matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a martial arts fight; your enemies will attack you one at a time while the others dance around you menacingly. <br> <br> 12) In musicals everyone you meet in the street will know all the words to the songs and the steps to the dances. <br> <br> 13) When captured by an evil international terrorist, guns are not necessary to defeat them, sarcasm and wisecracks are your best weapons. </p> Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-32268522.post-1869361491139560502011-05-08T12:30:00.001+05:302011-05-08T12:30:47.748+05:30Cynical Meanings<div></div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: 15px; -webkit-tap-highlight-color: rgba(26, 26, 26, 0.296875); -webkit-composition-fill-color: rgba(175, 192, 227, 0.230469); -webkit-composition-frame-color: rgba(77, 128, 180, 0.230469); "><p style="margin-top: 0px; padding-top: 0px; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="-webkit-tap-highlight-color: rgba(26, 26, 26, 0.289062); -webkit-composition-fill-color: rgba(175, 192, 227, 0.222656); -webkit-composition-frame-color: rgba(77, 128, 180, 0.222656); ">Cigarette: A pinch of tobacco rolled in paper with fire at one end and a fool on the other. </span></p><p style="margin-bottom: 0px; padding-bottom: 5px; ">Divorce: Future tense of marriage. <br><br>Lecture: An art of transferring information from the notes of the Lecturer to the notes of the students without passing through "the minds of either." <br><br>Conference: The confusion of one man multiplied by the number present. <br><br>Compromise: The art of dividing a cake in such a way that everybody believes he got the biggest piece. <br><br>Tears: The hydraulic force by which masculine will-power is defeated by feminine water power... <br><br>Dictionary: A place where success comes before work. <br><br>Conference Room: A place where everybody talks, nobody listens and everybody disagrees later on. <br><br>Classic: A book which people praise, but do not read. <br><br>Smile: A curve that can set a lot of things straight. <br><br>Office: A place where you can relax after your strenuous home life. <br><br>Yawn: The only time some married men ever get to open their mouth.</p></span>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-32268522.post-11719772175272842162011-05-01T14:30:00.000+05:302011-05-01T14:33:06.624+05:30Computa-holic 12-Step Program<div></div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: 15px; -webkit-tap-highlight-color: rgba(26, 26, 26, 0.296875); -webkit-composition-fill-color: rgba(175, 192, 227, 0.230469); -webkit-composition-frame-color: rgba(77, 128, 180, 0.230469); "><p style="margin-top: 0px; padding-top: 0px; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="-webkit-tap-highlight-color: rgba(26, 26, 26, 0.289062); -webkit-composition-fill-color: rgba(175, 192, 227, 0.222656); -webkit-composition-frame-color: rgba(77, 128, 180, 0.222656); ">1) I will have a cup of coffee in the morning and read my newspaper like I used to, before the Web. </span></p><p style="margin-bottom: 0px; padding-bottom: 5px; ">2) I will eat breakfast with a knife and fork and not with one hand typing. <br><br>3) I will get dressed before noon. <br><br>4) I will make an attempt to clean the house, wash clothes, and plan dinner before even thinking of the Web. <br><br>5) I will sit down and write a letter to those unfortunate few friends and family that are Web-deprived. <br><br>6) I will call someone on the phone who I cannot contact via the Web. <br><br>7) I will read a book...if I still remember how. <br><br>8) I will listen to those around me and their needs and stop telling them to turn the TV down so I can hear the music on the Web. <br><br>9) I will not be tempted during TV commercials to check for email. <br><br>10) I will try and get out of the house at least once a week, if it is necessary or not. <br><br>11) I will remember that my bank is not forgiving if I forget to balance my checkbook because I was too busy on the Web. <br><br>12) Last, but not least, I will remember that I must go to bed sometime ... and the Web will always be there tomorrow!</p></span>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-32268522.post-73304698207580751812011-04-16T14:51:00.001+05:302011-04-16T14:51:36.570+05:30More Signs Technology Took Over Your Life <p style="margin-bottom:0px;padding-bottom:5px">- You know Bill Gates' e-mail address, but you have to look up your own social security number. <br> <br> - You stop saying "phone number" and replace it with "voice number," since we all know the majority of phone lines in any house are plugged into contraptions that talk to other contraptions. <br> <br> - You sign Christmas cards by putting :-) next to your signature. <br> <br> - Off the top of your head, you can think of nineteen keystroke symbols that are far more clever than :-). <br> <br> - You back up your data every day. <br> <br> - You print the itinerary of your vacation from a scheduler software. <br> <br> - You pack the laptop computer first for any trip. <br> <br> - You know more about the computer than about all of your friends. <br> <br> - You think jokes about being unable to program a VCR are stupid. <br> <br> - On vacation, you are reading a computer manual and turning the pages faster than everyone else who is reading John Grisham novels. </p> Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-32268522.post-29825781344517294932011-04-14T13:11:00.001+05:302011-04-14T13:11:23.250+05:30Signs Technology Took Over Your Life <p style="margin-bottom:0px;padding-bottom:5px">- Your stationery is more cluttered than Warren Beatty's address book. The letterhead lists a fax number, e-mail addresses for two on-line services, and your Internet address, which spreads across the breadth of the letterhead and continues to the back. In essence, you have conceded that the first page of any letter you write is letterhead. <br> <br> - You have never sat through an entire movie without having at least one device on your body beep or buzz. <br> <br> - You need to fill out a form that must be typewritten, but you can't because there isn't one typewriter in your house, only computers with laser printers. <br> <br> - You think of the gadgets in your office as "friends," but you forget to send your father a birthday card. <br> <br> - You disdain people who use low baud rates. <br> <br> - When you go into a computer store, you eavesdrop on a salesperson talking with customers, and you butt in to correct him and spend the next twenty minutes answering the customers' questions, while the salesperson stands by silently, nodding his head. <br> <br> - You use the phrase "digital compression" in a conversation without thinking how strange your mouth feels when you say it. <br> <br> - You constantly find yourself in groups of people to whom you say the phrase "digital compression." Everyone understands what you mean, and you are not surprised or disappointed that you don't have to explain it. </p> Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-32268522.post-8750089724810947322011-04-11T12:59:00.001+05:302011-04-11T12:59:43.410+05:30What Those Acronyms Really MeanISDN = It Still Does Nothing<p>APPLE = Arrogance Produces Profit-Losing Entity<p>IBM = I Blame Microsoft<p>DEC = Do Expect Cuts<p>CA = Constant Acquisitions<p>CD-ROM = Consumer Device, Rendered Obsolete in Months<p>OS/2 = Obsolete Soon, Too.<p>SCSI = System Can't See It<p>DOS = Defunct Operating System<p>BASIC = Bill's Attempt to Seize Industry Control<p>WWW = World Wide Wait<p>MACINTOSH = Most Applications Crash; If Not, The OS HangsUnknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-32268522.post-49012846644399488522011-04-08T15:37:00.001+05:302011-04-08T15:37:04.635+05:30You are a Nerd If...- If you rotate your screen savers more frequently than your automobile tires <br><p style="margin-bottom:0px;padding-bottom:5px"> - If you have a functioning home copier machine, but every toaster you own turns bread into charcoal <br> <br> - If you have more toys than your kids <br> <br> - If you need a checklist to turn on the TV <br> <br> - If you have introduced your kids by the wrong name <br> <br> - If you have a habit of destroying things in order to see how they work <br> <br> - If your I.Q. number is bigger than your weight <br> <br> - If the microphone or visual aids at a meeting don't work and you rush up to the front to fix it <br> <br> - If you can remember 7 computer passwords but not your anniversary <br> <br> - If you have memorized the program scheduled for the Discovery channel and have seen most of the shows already </p> Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-32268522.post-9021305439657845192011-03-30T14:22:00.001+05:302011-03-30T14:22:50.400+05:30End of the World Headlines <p style="margin-bottom:0px;padding-bottom:5px">When the end of the world arrives how will the media report it? <br> <br> USA Today: WE'RE DEAD <br> <br> The Wall Street Journal: DOW JONES PLUMMETS AS WORLD ENDS <br> <br> National Enquirer: JON AND KATE, TOGETHER AGAIN <br> <br> Microsoft Systems Journal: APPLE LOSES MARKET SHARE <br> <br> Victoria's Secret Catalog: OUR FINAL SALE <br> <br> Sports Illustrated: GAME OVER <br> <br> Wired: THE LAST NEW THING <br> <br> Rolling Stone: THE GRATEFUL DEAD REUNION TOUR <br> <br> Readers Digest: 'BYE <br> <br> Discover Magazine: HOW WILL THE EXTINCTION OF ALL LIFE AS WE KNOW IT AFFECT THE WAY WE VIEW THE COSMOS? <br> <br> Lady's Home Journal: LOSE 10 LBS BY JUDGMENT DAY WITH OUR NEW "ARMAGEDDON" DIET! <br> <br> America Online: SYSTEM TEMPORARILY DOWN. TRY CALLING BACK IN 15 MINUTES. <br> <br> Inc. magazine: TEN WAYS YOU CAN PROFIT FROM THE APOCALYPSE <br> <br> TIME magazine: RENEW YOUR SUBSCRIPTION FOR ETERNITY </p> Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-32268522.post-75942960061869819902011-03-26T13:54:00.000+05:302011-03-26T13:55:48.313+05:30Boy, Officer, and Squirrel<div></div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: 15px; -webkit-tap-highlight-color: rgba(26, 26, 26, 0.296875); -webkit-composition-fill-color: rgba(175, 192, 227, 0.230469); -webkit-composition-frame-color: rgba(77, 128, 180, 0.230469); "><p style="margin-top: 0px; padding-top: 0px; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="-webkit-tap-highlight-color: rgba(26, 26, 26, 0.289062); -webkit-composition-fill-color: rgba(175, 192, 227, 0.222656); -webkit-composition-frame-color: rgba(77, 128, 180, 0.222656); ">A policeman caught a nasty little boy with a penknife in one hand and a squirrel in the other. </span></p><p style="margin-bottom: 0px; padding-bottom: 5px; ">"Now listen here," the policeman said, "Whatever you do to that poor, defenseless creature I shall personally do to you" <br><br>"In that case," said the boy, "I'll kiss it on the forehead and let it go"</p></span>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-32268522.post-6779142973624144442011-03-15T11:10:00.000+05:302011-03-15T11:11:49.805+05:30Excuses If You Get Caught Sleeping In Your Cubicle<div></div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: 15px; -webkit-tap-highlight-color: rgba(26, 26, 26, 0.296875); -webkit-composition-fill-color: rgba(175, 192, 227, 0.230469); -webkit-composition-frame-color: rgba(77, 128, 180, 0.230469); "><p style="margin-top: 0px; padding-top: 0px; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="-webkit-tap-highlight-color: rgba(26, 26, 26, 0.289062); -webkit-composition-fill-color: rgba(175, 192, 227, 0.222656); -webkit-composition-frame-color: rgba(77, 128, 180, 0.222656); ">1. "They told me at the blood bank this might happen." </span><br></p><p style="margin-bottom: 0px; padding-bottom: 5px; ">2. "This is just a 15-minute power nap like they raved about in that time-management course you sent me to." <br><br>3. "I was working smarter-not harder." <br><br>4. "Whew! I musta left the top off the liquid paper." <br><br>5. "Oh, I wasn't sleeping! I was meditating on our mission statement and envisioning a new paradigm!" <br><br>6. "This is one of the seven habits of highly effective people!" <br><br>7. "I was testing the keyboard for drool-resistance." <br><br>8. "I was trying to remember where that difficult "Z" Key was, and now it is indelibly imprinted on my brain, or at least my forehead." <br><br>9. "I'm in the management training program." <br><br>10. "I'm actually doing a "Stress Level Elimination Exercise Plan" (SLEEP) I learned at the last mandatory seminar you made me attend." <br><br>11. "This is in exchange for the six hours last night when I dreamed about work!" <br><br>12. "I was doing a highly specific Yoga exercise to relieve work-related stress. Do you discriminate against people who practice Yoga?" <br><br>13. "Darn! Why did you interrupt me? I had almost figured out a solution to our biggest problem." <br><br>14. "Uh, hey, whaddaya expect... the coffee machine is broken..." <br><br>15. "Someone must've put decaf in the wrong pot." <br><br>16. "Boy, that cold medicine I took last night just won't wear off!" <br><br>17. "Ah, the unique and unpredictable circadian rhythms of the workaholic!" <br><br>18. "I wasn't sleeping. I was trying to pick up my contact lens without my hands." <br><br>19. "The mailman flipped out and pulled a gun so I was playing dead to avoid getting shot." <br><br>20. "Geez, I thought you (the boss) were gone for the day." </p></span>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-32268522.post-9978371680417902192011-03-11T15:59:00.001+05:302011-03-11T15:59:32.442+05:30The Idiot's Guide to Internet Success!<p style="margin-top: 0px; padding-top: 0px;"> Let's begin (<i>Please take note of the sarcasm in these</i>): <br></p> Q: How long will it take me to get insanely rich? <br> <br> A: Depends on you. Probably two weeks. Some people take as long as a month. <br> <br> Q: Does it take hard work or long hours to get insanely rich? <br> <br> A: No. This is the Internet. <br> <br> Q: Can just anybody get insanely rich? <br> <br> A: Yes. This is the Internet. <br> <br> Q: How do I proceed? <br> <br> A: As you're surfing around the net you'll see banners and links that say things like "Make Fourteen Million Dollars in Ninety Days, Click Here to See How!" Simply click the link to get started. <br> <br> Q: It won't really take ninety days though, will it? <br> <br> A: Of course not. They just say that so you'll be pleasantly surprised and so it doesn't sound like hype. <br> <br> Q: Okay, I've found one that says "Retire to Your Own Caribbean Isle in One Month!" Is that good? <br> <br> A: Perfect. <br> <br> Q: What does MLM mean? <br> <br> A: Nobody really knows. Morons Lose Money has been snidely suggested by the little-brains. <br> <br> Q: I signed up and now I sell low phone rates. They say it's the easiest thing to sell because everyone uses a phone. And since it's MLM, by the time my third level is operating I'll be making $345,915.45 per week. <br> <br> A: Conservatively. <br> <br> Q: They say the first step is to get my mother into the program. Why is my sponsor happy that Mom has Alzheimers? <br> <br> A: Your sponsor is a shrewd business person. People with any sort of memory disorder make the best targ... uh, clients. You can switch your mother's long distance carrier for her, and then start calling the other members of her support group. <br> <br> Q: That sounds a little fishy. <br> <br> A: The ends justify the means. You are offering people substantial savings on long distance. It's for their own good. <br> <br> Q: How else can I get new business? <br> <br> A: Spam. Spam. Spam. <br> <br> Q: I thought spam was bad. <br> <br> A: No, spam is good. Anyone who says it's bad is just jealous because their brains are too small. <br> <br> Q: But won't I lose my web host and ISP? <br> <br> A: In the get-rich-quick business, it's important to cultivate a zen-like non-attachment to service providers. <br> <br> Q: What else can I do to promote my new business? <br> <br> A: Here's a list of suggestions: <br> <br> --Sign up with a free website provider and fill your site with zany colors and flashy banners. <br> <br> --Join every free banner exchange. <br> <br> --Get your own free-for-all links page. <br> <br> --Join every opt-in email list with the word Money, Rich or Lackwit in the title. <br> <br> --Buy software that submits your site URL to the 15,000 most important search engines. --Buy software that submits your ad to the 50,000 most-read free classified sites. <br> <br> --Hire a bulk emailer. <br> <br> --Sponsor a golf tournament. <br> <br> Q: Okay, I've done all that and I'm still not rich. I haven't even driven my hit counter to its knees yet. What am I doing wrong? <br> <br> A: It's possible that you're not very bright. Consult one of your friends who has retired on their Internet earnings. <br> <br> Q: What if I don't have any friends who have retired on their Internet earnings? <br> <br> A: Then contact someone on the Internet who has retired on their Internet earnings. <br> <br> Q: What if I've never heard of anyone retiring from their Internet earnings? <br> <br> A: Well, then maybe you can be the first. Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-32268522.post-10131125320286703512011-03-05T12:28:00.000+05:302011-03-05T12:29:22.274+05:30Internet Lingo<div></div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: 15px; -webkit-tap-highlight-color: rgba(26, 26, 26, 0.296875); -webkit-composition-fill-color: rgba(175, 192, 227, 0.230469); -webkit-composition-frame-color: rgba(77, 128, 180, 0.230469); "><p style="margin-top: 0px; padding-top: 0px; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="-webkit-tap-highlight-color: rgba(26, 26, 26, 0.289062); -webkit-composition-fill-color: rgba(175, 192, 227, 0.222656); -webkit-composition-frame-color: rgba(77, 128, 180, 0.222656); ">The language of the internet is full of shortcuts. Some, like LOL (laugh out loud) and KISS(keep It Simple Stupid) have gone mainstream. But new online lingo is always popping up. </span><br></p><p style="margin-bottom: 0px; padding-bottom: 5px; "><br>AYPI: And Your Point Is? <br><br>AWGTHTGTTA: Are We Going to Have to Go Through This Again? <br><br>BEG: Big Evil Grin <br><br>HHO1/2 K: Ha HA, Only Half Kidding <br><br>TYCLO: Turn Your CAPS LOCK OFF! <br></p></span>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-32268522.post-20042301701259311702011-02-27T22:30:00.000+05:302011-02-27T22:31:06.844+05:30Advertising Terms Explained<div></div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: 15px; -webkit-tap-highlight-color: rgba(26, 26, 26, 0.296875); -webkit-composition-fill-color: rgba(175, 192, 227, 0.230469); -webkit-composition-frame-color: rgba(77, 128, 180, 0.230469); "><p style="margin-top: 0px; padding-top: 0px; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="-webkit-tap-highlight-color: rgba(26, 26, 26, 0.289062); -webkit-composition-fill-color: rgba(175, 192, 227, 0.222656); -webkit-composition-frame-color: rgba(77, 128, 180, 0.222656); ">NEW - Different color from previous design. </span><br></p><p style="margin-bottom: 0px; padding-bottom: 5px; "><br>ALL NEW - Parts are not interchangeable with previous design. <br><br>EXCLUSIVE - Imported product. <br><br>UNMATCHED - Almost as good as the competition. <br><br>FOOLPROOF OPERATION - No provision for adjustments. <br><br>ADVANCED DESIGN - The advertising agency doesn't understand it. <br><br>IT'S HERE AT LAST - Rush job. Nobody knew it was coming. <br><br>FIELD TESTED - Manufacturer lacks test equipment. <br><br>HIGH ACCURACY - Unit on which all parts fit. <br><br>FUTURISTIC - No other reason why it looks the way it does. <br><br>REDESIGNED - Previous flaws fixed - we hope. <br><br>DIRECT SALES ONLY - Factory had a big argument with distributor. <br><br>YEARS OF DEVELOPMENT - We finally got one to work. <br><br>BREAKTHROUGH - We finally figured out a use for it. <br><br>MAINTENANCE FREE - Impossible to fix. <br><br>MEETS ALL STANDARDS - Ours, not yours. <br><br>SOLID-STATE - Heavy as anything! <br><br>HIGH RELIABILITY - We made it work long enough to ship it <br></p></span>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-32268522.post-36138525556105909422011-02-24T12:07:00.000+05:302011-02-24T12:08:08.662+05:30Letter From MomWhen the man came home, his wife was crying.<br /><br />"Your mother insulted me," she sobbed.<br /><br />"My mother? How could she do that when she is on vacation on the other side of the world?" the man asked.<br /><br />"I know. But this morning a letter addressed to you arrived. I opened it because I was curious."<br /><br />"And?"<br /><br />"At the end of the letter it was written:<br /><br />PS. Dear Diane, when you have finished reading this letter, don't forget to give it to my son."Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-32268522.post-40946082722942188432011-02-23T15:27:00.001+05:302011-02-23T15:27:48.935+05:30Wise SchoolteacherA wise schoolteacher sends this note to all parents on the first day of school: "If you promise not to believe everything your child says happens at school, I'll promise not to believe everything he says happens at home. Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-32268522.post-11233861416429957422011-02-22T13:11:00.000+05:302011-02-22T13:12:13.588+05:30Things to Remember During a War<div></div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: 15px; -webkit-tap-highlight-color: rgba(26, 26, 26, 0.296875); -webkit-composition-fill-color: rgba(175, 192, 227, 0.230469); -webkit-composition-frame-color: rgba(77, 128, 180, 0.230469); "><p style="margin-top: 0px; padding-top: 0px; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="-webkit-tap-highlight-color: rgba(26, 26, 26, 0.289062); -webkit-composition-fill-color: rgba(175, 192, 227, 0.222656); -webkit-composition-frame-color: rgba(77, 128, 180, 0.222656); ">1. The only things more accurate than enemy fire is friendly fire.<span class="Apple-style-span" style="-webkit-tap-highlight-color: rgba(26, 26, 26, 0.289062); -webkit-composition-fill-color: rgba(175, 192, 227, 0.222656); -webkit-composition-frame-color: rgba(77, 128, 180, 0.222656); "></span></span></p><p style="margin-top: 0px; padding-top: 0px; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="-webkit-tap-highlight-color: rgba(26, 26, 26, 0.289062); -webkit-composition-fill-color: rgba(175, 192, 227, 0.222656); -webkit-composition-frame-color: rgba(77, 128, 180, 0.222656); "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="-webkit-tap-highlight-color: rgba(26, 26, 26, 0.289062); -webkit-composition-fill-color: rgba(175, 192, 227, 0.222656); -webkit-composition-frame-color: rgba(77, 128, 180, 0.222656); ">2. Try to look unimportant, they may be low on ammo.<span class="Apple-style-span" style="-webkit-tap-highlight-color: rgba(26, 26, 26, 0.289062); -webkit-composition-fill-color: rgba(175, 192, 227, 0.222656); -webkit-composition-frame-color: rgba(77, 128, 180, 0.222656); "></span></span></span></p><p style="margin-top: 0px; padding-top: 0px; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="-webkit-tap-highlight-color: rgba(26, 26, 26, 0.289062); -webkit-composition-fill-color: rgba(175, 192, 227, 0.222656); -webkit-composition-frame-color: rgba(77, 128, 180, 0.222656); "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="-webkit-tap-highlight-color: rgba(26, 26, 26, 0.289062); -webkit-composition-fill-color: rgba(175, 192, 227, 0.222656); -webkit-composition-frame-color: rgba(77, 128, 180, 0.222656); "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="-webkit-tap-highlight-color: rgba(26, 26, 26, 0.289062); -webkit-composition-fill-color: rgba(175, 192, 227, 0.222656); -webkit-composition-frame-color: rgba(77, 128, 180, 0.222656); ">3. Teamwork is essential. It gives them more targets to shoot at.</span></span></span></p><p style="margin-bottom: 0px; padding-bottom: 5px; ">4. No inspection-ready unit ever passed combat.<br>5. No combat-ready unit ever passed inspection.<br>6. Remember: your aircraft was made by the lowest bidder.<br>7. Never draw fire, it will irritate the rest of your formation.<br>8. Never share a cockpit with someone braver than you.<br>9. You are not Tom Cruise.<br>10. SAMs and AAA have the right-of-way.<br>11. If you aren't sure, the SAMs are pointed at you.<br>12. If hit, landing near the people that just shot you down is not a good idea.<br>13. Close only counts in horseshoes, nukes and proximity-fused missiles.<br>14. Smart bombs have bad days too.<br>15. The best defense is to stay out of range.<br>16. If you are short on everything but enemy, you are in combat.</p></span>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-32268522.post-36811468353470269152011-02-19T12:38:00.000+05:302011-02-19T12:39:19.104+05:30Microsoft Air<div></div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: 15px; -webkit-tap-highlight-color: rgba(26, 26, 26, 0.296875); -webkit-composition-fill-color: rgba(175, 192, 227, 0.230469); -webkit-composition-frame-color: rgba(77, 128, 180, 0.230469); "><p style="margin-top: 0px; padding-top: 0px; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="-webkit-tap-highlight-color: rgba(26, 26, 26, 0.289062); -webkit-composition-fill-color: rgba(175, 192, 227, 0.222656); -webkit-composition-frame-color: rgba(77, 128, 180, 0.222656); ">There was a pilot flying a small single engine charter plane, with a couple of very important executives on board. He was coming into Seattle airport through thick fog with less than 10 miles visibility when his instruments went out. So, he began circling around looking for a landmark. After an hour or so, he starts running pretty low on fuel and the passengers are getting very nervous. </span><br></p><p style="margin-bottom: 0px; padding-bottom: 5px; "><br>Finally, a small opening in the fog appears and he sees a tall building with one guy working alone on the fifth floor. The pilot banks the plane around,rolls down the window and shouts to the guy, "Hey where am I?" <br><br>To this, the solitary office worker replies, "You're in a plane." <br><br>The pilot rolls up the window, executes a 275 degree turn and proceeds to execute a perfect blind landing on the runway of the airport 5 miles away. Just as the plane stops, so does the engine as the fuel has run out. <br><br>The passengers are amazed and one asks how he did it. <br><br>"Simple," replies the pilot, "I asked the guy in that building a simple question. The answer he gave me was 100 percent correct but absolutely useless, therefore that must be Microsoft's support office and from there the airport is just five miles due East."</p></span>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-32268522.post-66667175641855911492011-02-13T14:46:00.000+05:302011-02-13T14:47:20.935+05:30A Fresh Appeal<div></div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: 15px; -webkit-tap-highlight-color: rgba(26, 26, 26, 0.296875); -webkit-composition-fill-color: rgba(175, 192, 227, 0.230469); -webkit-composition-frame-color: rgba(77, 128, 180, 0.230469); "><p style="margin-top: 0px; padding-top: 0px; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="-webkit-tap-highlight-color: rgba(26, 26, 26, 0.289062); -webkit-composition-fill-color: rgba(175, 192, 227, 0.222656); -webkit-composition-frame-color: rgba(77, 128, 180, 0.222656); ">Lawyer: "Judge, I wish to appeal my client's case on the basis of newly discovered evidence." </span><br></p><p style="margin-bottom: 0px; padding-bottom: 5px; "><br>Judge: "And what is the nature of the new evidence?" <br><br>Lawyer: "Judge, I discovered that my client still has $500 left."</p></span>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-32268522.post-71552778088906456232011-02-08T12:08:00.001+05:302011-02-08T12:08:35.352+05:30Life's Crazy Rules II<div></div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: 15px; -webkit-tap-highlight-color: rgba(26, 26, 26, 0.296875); -webkit-composition-fill-color: rgba(175, 192, 227, 0.230469); -webkit-composition-frame-color: rgba(77, 128, 180, 0.230469); "><p style="margin-top: 0px; padding-top: 0px; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="-webkit-tap-highlight-color: rgba(26, 26, 26, 0.289062); -webkit-composition-fill-color: rgba(175, 192, 227, 0.222656); -webkit-composition-frame-color: rgba(77, 128, 180, 0.222656); ">* The Salary Axiom: The pay raise is just large enough to increase your taxes and just small enough to have no effect on your take-home pay. </span><br></p><p style="margin-bottom: 0px; padding-bottom: 5px; "><br>* Miller's Law of Insurance: Insurance covers everything except what happens. <br><br>* First Law of Living: As soon as you start doing what you always wanted to be doing, you'll want to be doing something else. <br><br>* Weiner's Law of Libraries: There are no answers, only cross-references. <br><br>* Isaac's Strange Rule of Staleness: Any food that starts out hard will soften when stale. Any food that starts out soft will harden when stale.</p></span>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-32268522.post-71164451882863472852011-02-06T12:19:00.001+05:302011-02-06T12:19:47.105+05:30Life's Crazy Rules<div></div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: 15px; -webkit-tap-highlight-color: rgba(26, 26, 26, 0.296875); -webkit-composition-fill-color: rgba(175, 192, 227, 0.230469); -webkit-composition-frame-color: rgba(77, 128, 180, 0.230469); "><p style="margin-top: 0px; padding-top: 0px; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="-webkit-tap-highlight-color: rgba(26, 26, 26, 0.289062); -webkit-composition-fill-color: rgba(175, 192, 227, 0.222656); -webkit-composition-frame-color: rgba(77, 128, 180, 0.222656); ">* Lerman's Law of Technology: Any technical problem can be overcome given enough time and money. Corollary: You are never given enough time or money. </span><br></p><p style="margin-bottom: 0px; padding-bottom: 5px; "><br>* Murphy's First Law for Wives: If you ask your husband to pick up five items at the store and then you add one more as an afterthought, he will forget two of the first five. <br><br>* Law of the Search: The first place to look for anything is the last place you would expect to find it. Corollary: It will not be in the last place you expect to find it. <br><br>* Kauffman's Paradox of the Corporation: The less important you are to the corporation, the more your tardiness or absence is noticed.</p></span>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-32268522.post-32182986473460935612011-02-04T15:35:00.001+05:302011-02-04T15:35:30.642+05:30Horse or Chicken?<div></div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: 15px; -webkit-tap-highlight-color: rgba(26, 26, 26, 0.296875); -webkit-composition-fill-color: rgba(175, 192, 227, 0.230469); -webkit-composition-frame-color: rgba(77, 128, 180, 0.230469); "><p style="margin-top: 0px; padding-top: 0px; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="-webkit-tap-highlight-color: rgba(26, 26, 26, 0.289062); -webkit-composition-fill-color: rgba(175, 192, 227, 0.222656); -webkit-composition-frame-color: rgba(77, 128, 180, 0.222656); ">A retiring farmer in preparation for selling his land, needed to rid his farm of animals. So he went to every house in his town. </span><br></p><p style="margin-bottom: 0px; padding-bottom: 5px; "><br>To the houses where the man is the boss, he gave a horse. To the houses where the woman is the boss, a chicken was given. <br><br>He got toward the end of the street and saw a couple outside gardening. "Who's the boss around here?" he asked. <br><br>"I am." said the man. <br><br>"I have a black horse and a brown horse," the farmer said, "which one would you like?" <br><br>The man thought for a minute and said, "The black one." <br><br>"No, no, no, get the brown one." the man's wife said. <br><br>"Here's your chicken." said the farmer.</p></span>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-32268522.post-64557534915573777452011-02-02T12:57:00.001+05:302011-02-02T12:57:28.671+05:30Differences Between Men and Women<div></div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: 15px; -webkit-tap-highlight-color: rgba(26, 26, 26, 0.296875); -webkit-composition-fill-color: rgba(175, 192, 227, 0.230469); -webkit-composition-frame-color: rgba(77, 128, 180, 0.230469); "><p style="margin-top: 0px; padding-top: 0px; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="-webkit-tap-highlight-color: rgba(26, 26, 26, 0.289062); -webkit-composition-fill-color: rgba(175, 192, 227, 0.222656); -webkit-composition-frame-color: rgba(77, 128, 180, 0.222656); ">NICKNAMES: If Gloria, Suzanne, Debra and Michelle go out for lunch, they will call each other Gloria, Suzanne, Debra and Michelle. But if Mike, Phil, Rob and Jack go out for a brewsky, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla, Peanut-Head and Useless. </span><br></p><p style="margin-bottom: 0px; padding-bottom: 5px; "><br>EATING OUT: And when the check comes, Mike, Phil, Rob and Jack will each throw in $20 bills, even though it's only for $22.50. None of them will have anything smaller, and none will actually admit they want change back. When the girls get their check, out come the pocket calculators. <br><br>BATHROOMS: A man has six items in his bathroom-a toothbrush, shaving cream, razor, a bar of Dial soap, and a towel from the Holiday Inn. The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 437. A man would not be able to identify most of these items. <br><br>GROCERIES: A woman makes a list of things she needs and then goes out to the store and buys these things. A man waits till the only items left in his fridge are half a lime and a soda. Then he goes grocery shopping. He buys everything that looks good. By the time a man reaches the checkout counter, his cart is packed tighter than the Clampett's car on Beverly Hillbillies. Of course, this will not stop him from going to the 10-items-or-less lane. <br><br>SHOES: When preparing for work, a woman will put on a Mondi wool suit, then slip on Reebok sneakers. She will carry her dress shoes in a plastic bag from Saks. When a woman gets to work, she will put on her dress shoes. Five minutes later, she will kick them off because her feet are under the desk. A man will wear the same pair of shoes all day. <br><br>CATS: Women love cats. Men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking, men kick cats. <br><br>DRESSING UP: A woman will dress up to: go shopping, water the plants, empty the garbage, answer the phone, read a book, get the mail. A man will dress up for: weddings, funerals. <br><br>LAUNDRY: Women do laundry every couple of days. A man will wear every article of clothing he owns, including his surgical pants that were hip about eight years ago, before he will do his laundry. When he is finally out of clothes, he will wear a dirty sweatshirt inside out, rent a U-Haul and take his mountain of clothes to the Laundromat. Men always expect to meet beautiful women at the Laundromat. This is a myth perpetuated by re-runs of old episodes of "Love, American Style." <br><br>OFFSPRING: Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and soccer games and romances and best friends and favorite foods and secret fears and hopes and dreams. A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.</p></span>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-32268522.post-68688965831992430212011-01-25T13:16:00.001+05:302011-01-25T13:16:23.694+05:30Things To Do At Wal-Mart When You're Bored1. Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals. <br><p style="margin-bottom: 0px; padding-bottom: 5px;"> 2. Make a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the rest rooms. <br> <br> 3. Walk up to an employee and tell him/her in an official tone, "Code 3 in housewares, "and see what happens. <br> <br> 4. Go the Service Desk and ask to put a bag of M&M's on lay away. </p> Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0