Pallav's blog

Stealing Dresses

2011-06-27T12:23:00.001+05:30

Judge: "You admit breaking into the dress shop four times?"

Defendant: "Yes, your honor."

Judge: "What did you steal?"

Defendant: "A dress, Your Honor."

Judge: "One dress? And yet you admit breaking in four times!"

Defendant: "Well, your Honor, you see the first three times my wife didn't like the color."

Without Bias

2011-06-12T11:53:00.000+05:30

Judge to the court, at the start of a case: "I have to declare an interest in this case. Last week, the plaintiff sent me a check for $10,000 to find in his favor.

Two days later, I received $20,000 from the defendant to find in his favor.

I have therefore sent $10,000 back to the defendant and can try the case without bias."

What Movies Have Taught Us

2011-06-09T13:59:00.001+05:30

1) All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices, which have large red read-outs to tell you exactly when it will go off.

2) Should you need to pass yourself off as a German officer it will not be necessary to speak the language, a convincing accent will do.

3) All apartments in Paris overlook the Eiffel tower.

4) Most lap top computers are powerful enough to override a bank security system or the communication system of an invading alien civilization.

5) Every single person in martial arts Film has a black belt in karate.

6) When staying in a haunted house, women should investigate any strange noises in their most revealing underwear.

7) 1 man shooting at 20 men has more chance of hitting them than 20 men shooting at 1 man if he is the hero.

8) During a police investigation it will be necessary to visit a strip joint at least once.

9) Large studio-type apartments in big cities are affordable by single people with a low wage.

10) The entire British population lives in London.

11) It doesn't matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a martial arts fight; your enemies will attack you one at a time while the others dance around you menacingly.

12) In musicals everyone you meet in the street will know all the words to the songs and the steps to the dances.

13) When captured by an evil international terrorist, guns are not necessary to defeat them, sarcasm and wisecracks are your best weapons.

Cynical Meanings

2011-05-08T12:30:00.001+05:30

Cigarette: A pinch of tobacco rolled in paper with fire at one end and a fool on the other.

Divorce: Future tense of marriage.

Lecture: An art of transferring information from the notes of the Lecturer to the notes of the students without passing through "the minds of either."

Conference: The confusion of one man multiplied by the number present.

Compromise: The art of dividing a cake in such a way that everybody believes he got the biggest piece.

Tears: The hydraulic force by which masculine will-power is defeated by feminine water power...

Dictionary: A place where success comes before work.

Conference Room: A place where everybody talks, nobody listens and everybody disagrees later on.

Classic: A book which people praise, but do not read.

Smile: A curve that can set a lot of things straight.

Office: A place where you can relax after your strenuous home life.

Yawn: The only time some married men ever get to open their mouth.

Computa-holic 12-Step Program

2011-05-01T14:30:00.000+05:30

1) I will have a cup of coffee in the morning and read my newspaper like I used to, before the Web.

2) I will eat breakfast with a knife and fork and not with one hand typing.

3) I will get dressed before noon.

4) I will make an attempt to clean the house, wash clothes, and plan dinner before even thinking of the Web.

5) I will sit down and write a letter to those unfortunate few friends and family that are Web-deprived.

6) I will call someone on the phone who I cannot contact via the Web.

7) I will read a book...if I still remember how.

8) I will listen to those around me and their needs and stop telling them to turn the TV down so I can hear the music on the Web.

9) I will not be tempted during TV commercials to check for email.

10) I will try and get out of the house at least once a week, if it is necessary or not.

11) I will remember that my bank is not forgiving if I forget to balance my checkbook because I was too busy on the Web.

12) Last, but not least, I will remember that I must go to bed sometime ... and the Web will always be there tomorrow!

More Signs Technology Took Over Your Life

2011-04-16T14:51:00.001+05:30

- You know Bill Gates' e-mail address, but you have to look up your own social security number.

- You stop saying "phone number" and replace it with "voice number," since we all know the majority of phone lines in any house are plugged into contraptions that talk to other contraptions.

- You sign Christmas cards by putting :-) next to your signature.

- Off the top of your head, you can think of nineteen keystroke symbols that are far more clever than :-).

- You back up your data every day.

- You print the itinerary of your vacation from a scheduler software.

- You pack the laptop computer first for any trip.

- You know more about the computer than about all of your friends.

- You think jokes about being unable to program a VCR are stupid.

- On vacation, you are reading a computer manual and turning the pages faster than everyone else who is reading John Grisham novels.

Signs Technology Took Over Your Life

2011-04-14T13:11:00.001+05:30

- Your stationery is more cluttered than Warren Beatty's address book. The letterhead lists a fax number, e-mail addresses for two on-line services, and your Internet address, which spreads across the breadth of the letterhead and continues to the back. In essence, you have conceded that the first page of any letter you write is letterhead.

- You have never sat through an entire movie without having at least one device on your body beep or buzz.

- You need to fill out a form that must be typewritten, but you can't because there isn't one typewriter in your house, only computers with laser printers.

- You think of the gadgets in your office as "friends," but you forget to send your father a birthday card.

- You disdain people who use low baud rates.

- When you go into a computer store, you eavesdrop on a salesperson talking with customers, and you butt in to correct him and spend the next twenty minutes answering the customers' questions, while the salesperson stands by silently, nodding his head.

- You use the phrase "digital compression" in a conversation without thinking how strange your mouth feels when you say it.

- You constantly find yourself in groups of people to whom you say the phrase "digital compression." Everyone understands what you mean, and you are not surprised or disappointed that you don't have to explain it.

What Those Acronyms Really Mean

2011-04-11T12:59:00.001+05:30

ISDN = It Still Does Nothing

APPLE = Arrogance Produces Profit-Losing Entity

IBM = I Blame Microsoft

DEC = Do Expect Cuts

CA = Constant Acquisitions

CD-ROM = Consumer Device, Rendered Obsolete in Months

OS/2 = Obsolete Soon, Too.

SCSI = System Can't See It

DOS = Defunct Operating System

BASIC = Bill's Attempt to Seize Industry Control

WWW = World Wide Wait

MACINTOSH = Most Applications Crash; If Not, The OS Hangs

You are a Nerd If...

2011-04-08T15:37:00.001+05:30

- If you rotate your screen savers more frequently than your automobile tires

- If you have a functioning home copier machine, but every toaster you own turns bread into charcoal

- If you have more toys than your kids

- If you need a checklist to turn on the TV

- If you have introduced your kids by the wrong name

- If you have a habit of destroying things in order to see how they work

- If your I.Q. number is bigger than your weight

- If the microphone or visual aids at a meeting don't work and you rush up to the front to fix it

- If you can remember 7 computer passwords but not your anniversary

- If you have memorized the program scheduled for the Discovery channel and have seen most of the shows already

End of the World Headlines

2011-03-30T14:22:00.001+05:30

When the end of the world arrives how will the media report it?

USA Today: WE'RE DEAD

The Wall Street Journal: DOW JONES PLUMMETS AS WORLD ENDS

National Enquirer: JON AND KATE, TOGETHER AGAIN

Microsoft Systems Journal: APPLE LOSES MARKET SHARE

Victoria's Secret Catalog: OUR FINAL SALE

Sports Illustrated: GAME OVER

Wired: THE LAST NEW THING

Rolling Stone: THE GRATEFUL DEAD REUNION TOUR

Readers Digest: 'BYE

Discover Magazine: HOW WILL THE EXTINCTION OF ALL LIFE AS WE KNOW IT AFFECT THE WAY WE VIEW THE COSMOS?

Lady's Home Journal: LOSE 10 LBS BY JUDGMENT DAY WITH OUR NEW "ARMAGEDDON" DIET!

America Online: SYSTEM TEMPORARILY DOWN. TRY CALLING BACK IN 15 MINUTES.

Inc. magazine: TEN WAYS YOU CAN PROFIT FROM THE APOCALYPSE

TIME magazine: RENEW YOUR SUBSCRIPTION FOR ETERNITY

Boy, Officer, and Squirrel

2011-03-26T13:54:00.000+05:30

A policeman caught a nasty little boy with a penknife in one hand and a squirrel in the other.

"Now listen here," the policeman said, "Whatever you do to that poor, defenseless creature I shall personally do to you"

"In that case," said the boy, "I'll kiss it on the forehead and let it go"

Excuses If You Get Caught Sleeping In Your Cubicle

2011-03-15T11:10:00.000+05:30

1. "They told me at the blood bank this might happen."

2. "This is just a 15-minute power nap like they raved about in that time-management course you sent me to."

3. "I was working smarter-not harder."

4. "Whew! I musta left the top off the liquid paper."

5. "Oh, I wasn't sleeping! I was meditating on our mission statement and envisioning a new paradigm!"

6. "This is one of the seven habits of highly effective people!"

7. "I was testing the keyboard for drool-resistance."

8. "I was trying to remember where that difficult "Z" Key was, and now it is indelibly imprinted on my brain, or at least my forehead."

9. "I'm in the management training program."

10. "I'm actually doing a "Stress Level Elimination Exercise Plan" (SLEEP) I learned at the last mandatory seminar you made me attend."

11. "This is in exchange for the six hours last night when I dreamed about work!"

12. "I was doing a highly specific Yoga exercise to relieve work-related stress. Do you discriminate against people who practice Yoga?"

13. "Darn! Why did you interrupt me? I had almost figured out a solution to our biggest problem."

14. "Uh, hey, whaddaya expect... the coffee machine is broken..."

15. "Someone must've put decaf in the wrong pot."

16. "Boy, that cold medicine I took last night just won't wear off!"

17. "Ah, the unique and unpredictable circadian rhythms of the workaholic!"

18. "I wasn't sleeping. I was trying to pick up my contact lens without my hands."

19. "The mailman flipped out and pulled a gun so I was playing dead to avoid getting shot."

20. "Geez, I thought you (the boss) were gone for the day."

The Idiot's Guide to Internet Success!

2011-03-11T15:59:00.001+05:30

Let's begin (Please take note of the sarcasm in these):

Q: How long will it take me to get insanely rich?

A: Depends on you. Probably two weeks. Some people take as long as a month.

Q: Does it take hard work or long hours to get insanely rich?

A: No. This is the Internet.

Q: Can just anybody get insanely rich?

A: Yes. This is the Internet.

Q: How do I proceed?

A: As you're surfing around the net you'll see banners and links that say things like "Make Fourteen Million Dollars in Ninety Days, Click Here to See How!" Simply click the link to get started.

Q: It won't really take ninety days though, will it?

A: Of course not. They just say that so you'll be pleasantly surprised and so it doesn't sound like hype.

Q: Okay, I've found one that says "Retire to Your Own Caribbean Isle in One Month!" Is that good?

A: Perfect.

Q: What does MLM mean?

A: Nobody really knows. Morons Lose Money has been snidely suggested by the little-brains.

Q: I signed up and now I sell low phone rates. They say it's the easiest thing to sell because everyone uses a phone. And since it's MLM, by the time my third level is operating I'll be making $345,915.45 per week.

A: Conservatively.

Q: They say the first step is to get my mother into the program. Why is my sponsor happy that Mom has Alzheimers?

A: Your sponsor is a shrewd business person. People with any sort of memory disorder make the best targ... uh, clients. You can switch your mother's long distance carrier for her, and then start calling the other members of her support group.

Q: That sounds a little fishy.

A: The ends justify the means. You are offering people substantial savings on long distance. It's for their own good.

Q: How else can I get new business?

A: Spam. Spam. Spam.

Q: I thought spam was bad.

A: No, spam is good. Anyone who says it's bad is just jealous because their brains are too small.

Q: But won't I lose my web host and ISP?

A: In the get-rich-quick business, it's important to cultivate a zen-like non-attachment to service providers.

Q: What else can I do to promote my new business?

A: Here's a list of suggestions:

--Sign up with a free website provider and fill your site with zany colors and flashy banners.

--Join every free banner exchange.

--Get your own free-for-all links page.

--Join every opt-in email list with the word Money, Rich or Lackwit in the title.

--Buy software that submits your site URL to the 15,000 most important search engines. --Buy software that submits your ad to the 50,000 most-read free classified sites.

--Hire a bulk emailer.

--Sponsor a golf tournament.

Q: Okay, I've done all that and I'm still not rich. I haven't even driven my hit counter to its knees yet. What am I doing wrong?

A: It's possible that you're not very bright. Consult one of your friends who has retired on their Internet earnings.

Q: What if I don't have any friends who have retired on their Internet earnings?

A: Then contact someone on the Internet who has retired on their Internet earnings.

Q: What if I've never heard of anyone retiring from their Internet earnings?

A: Well, then maybe you can be the first.

Internet Lingo

2011-03-05T12:28:00.000+05:30

The language of the internet is full of shortcuts. Some, like LOL (laugh out loud) and KISS(keep It Simple Stupid) have gone mainstream. But new online lingo is always popping up.

AYPI: And Your Point Is?

AWGTHTGTTA: Are We Going to Have to Go Through This Again?

BEG: Big Evil Grin

HHO1/2 K: Ha HA, Only Half Kidding

TYCLO: Turn Your CAPS LOCK OFF!

Advertising Terms Explained

2011-02-27T22:30:00.000+05:30

NEW - Different color from previous design.

ALL NEW - Parts are not interchangeable with previous design.

EXCLUSIVE - Imported product.

UNMATCHED - Almost as good as the competition.

FOOLPROOF OPERATION - No provision for adjustments.

ADVANCED DESIGN - The advertising agency doesn't understand it.

IT'S HERE AT LAST - Rush job. Nobody knew it was coming.

FIELD TESTED - Manufacturer lacks test equipment.

HIGH ACCURACY - Unit on which all parts fit.

FUTURISTIC - No other reason why it looks the way it does.

REDESIGNED - Previous flaws fixed - we hope.

DIRECT SALES ONLY - Factory had a big argument with distributor.

YEARS OF DEVELOPMENT - We finally got one to work.

BREAKTHROUGH - We finally figured out a use for it.

MAINTENANCE FREE - Impossible to fix.

MEETS ALL STANDARDS - Ours, not yours.

SOLID-STATE - Heavy as anything!

HIGH RELIABILITY - We made it work long enough to ship it

Letter From Mom

2011-02-24T12:07:00.000+05:30

When the man came home, his wife was crying.

"Your mother insulted me," she sobbed.

"My mother? How could she do that when she is on vacation on the other side of the world?" the man asked.

"I know. But this morning a letter addressed to you arrived. I opened it because I was curious."

"And?"

"At the end of the letter it was written:

PS. Dear Diane, when you have finished reading this letter, don't forget to give it to my son."

Wise Schoolteacher

2011-02-23T15:27:00.001+05:30

A wise schoolteacher sends this note to all parents on the first day of school: "If you promise not to believe everything your child says happens at school, I'll promise not to believe everything he says happens at home.

Things to Remember During a War

2011-02-22T13:11:00.000+05:30

1. The only things more accurate than enemy fire is friendly fire.

2. Try to look unimportant, they may be low on ammo.

3. Teamwork is essential. It gives them more targets to shoot at.

4. No inspection-ready unit ever passed combat.
5. No combat-ready unit ever passed inspection.
6. Remember: your aircraft was made by the lowest bidder.
7. Never draw fire, it will irritate the rest of your formation.
8. Never share a cockpit with someone braver than you.
9. You are not Tom Cruise.
10. SAMs and AAA have the right-of-way.
11. If you aren't sure, the SAMs are pointed at you.
12. If hit, landing near the people that just shot you down is not a good idea.
13. Close only counts in horseshoes, nukes and proximity-fused missiles.
14. Smart bombs have bad days too.
15. The best defense is to stay out of range.
16. If you are short on everything but enemy, you are in combat.

Microsoft Air

2011-02-19T12:38:00.000+05:30

There was a pilot flying a small single engine charter plane, with a couple of very important executives on board. He was coming into Seattle airport through thick fog with less than 10 miles visibility when his instruments went out. So, he began circling around looking for a landmark. After an hour or so, he starts running pretty low on fuel and the passengers are getting very nervous.

Finally, a small opening in the fog appears and he sees a tall building with one guy working alone on the fifth floor. The pilot banks the plane around,rolls down the window and shouts to the guy, "Hey where am I?"

To this, the solitary office worker replies, "You're in a plane."

The pilot rolls up the window, executes a 275 degree turn and proceeds to execute a perfect blind landing on the runway of the airport 5 miles away. Just as the plane stops, so does the engine as the fuel has run out.

The passengers are amazed and one asks how he did it.

"Simple," replies the pilot, "I asked the guy in that building a simple question. The answer he gave me was 100 percent correct but absolutely useless, therefore that must be Microsoft's support office and from there the airport is just five miles due East."

A Fresh Appeal

2011-02-13T14:46:00.000+05:30

Lawyer: "Judge, I wish to appeal my client's case on the basis of newly discovered evidence."

Judge: "And what is the nature of the new evidence?"

Lawyer: "Judge, I discovered that my client still has $500 left."

Life's Crazy Rules II

2011-02-08T12:08:00.001+05:30

* The Salary Axiom: The pay raise is just large enough to increase your taxes and just small enough to have no effect on your take-home pay.

* Miller's Law of Insurance: Insurance covers everything except what happens.

* First Law of Living: As soon as you start doing what you always wanted to be doing, you'll want to be doing something else.

* Weiner's Law of Libraries: There are no answers, only cross-references.

* Isaac's Strange Rule of Staleness: Any food that starts out hard will soften when stale. Any food that starts out soft will harden when stale.

Life's Crazy Rules

2011-02-06T12:19:00.001+05:30

* Lerman's Law of Technology: Any technical problem can be overcome given enough time and money. Corollary: You are never given enough time or money.

* Murphy's First Law for Wives: If you ask your husband to pick up five items at the store and then you add one more as an afterthought, he will forget two of the first five.

* Law of the Search: The first place to look for anything is the last place you would expect to find it. Corollary: It will not be in the last place you expect to find it.

* Kauffman's Paradox of the Corporation: The less important you are to the corporation, the more your tardiness or absence is noticed.

Horse or Chicken?

2011-02-04T15:35:00.001+05:30

A retiring farmer in preparation for selling his land, needed to rid his farm of animals. So he went to every house in his town.

To the houses where the man is the boss, he gave a horse. To the houses where the woman is the boss, a chicken was given.

He got toward the end of the street and saw a couple outside gardening. "Who's the boss around here?" he asked.

"I am." said the man.

"I have a black horse and a brown horse," the farmer said, "which one would you like?"

The man thought for a minute and said, "The black one."

"No, no, no, get the brown one." the man's wife said.

"Here's your chicken." said the farmer.

Differences Between Men and Women

2011-02-02T12:57:00.001+05:30

NICKNAMES: If Gloria, Suzanne, Debra and Michelle go out for lunch, they will call each other Gloria, Suzanne, Debra and Michelle. But if Mike, Phil, Rob and Jack go out for a brewsky, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla, Peanut-Head and Useless.

EATING OUT: And when the check comes, Mike, Phil, Rob and Jack will each throw in $20 bills, even though it's only for $22.50. None of them will have anything smaller, and none will actually admit they want change back. When the girls get their check, out come the pocket calculators.

BATHROOMS: A man has six items in his bathroom-a toothbrush, shaving cream, razor, a bar of Dial soap, and a towel from the Holiday Inn. The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 437. A man would not be able to identify most of these items.

GROCERIES: A woman makes a list of things she needs and then goes out to the store and buys these things. A man waits till the only items left in his fridge are half a lime and a soda. Then he goes grocery shopping. He buys everything that looks good. By the time a man reaches the checkout counter, his cart is packed tighter than the Clampett's car on Beverly Hillbillies. Of course, this will not stop him from going to the 10-items-or-less lane.

SHOES: When preparing for work, a woman will put on a Mondi wool suit, then slip on Reebok sneakers. She will carry her dress shoes in a plastic bag from Saks. When a woman gets to work, she will put on her dress shoes. Five minutes later, she will kick them off because her feet are under the desk. A man will wear the same pair of shoes all day.

CATS: Women love cats. Men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking, men kick cats.

DRESSING UP: A woman will dress up to: go shopping, water the plants, empty the garbage, answer the phone, read a book, get the mail. A man will dress up for: weddings, funerals.

LAUNDRY: Women do laundry every couple of days. A man will wear every article of clothing he owns, including his surgical pants that were hip about eight years ago, before he will do his laundry. When he is finally out of clothes, he will wear a dirty sweatshirt inside out, rent a U-Haul and take his mountain of clothes to the Laundromat. Men always expect to meet beautiful women at the Laundromat. This is a myth perpetuated by re-runs of old episodes of "Love, American Style."

OFFSPRING: Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and soccer games and romances and best friends and favorite foods and secret fears and hopes and dreams. A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.

Things To Do At Wal-Mart When You're Bored

2011-01-25T13:16:00.001+05:30

1. Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.

2. Make a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the rest rooms.

3. Walk up to an employee and tell him/her in an official tone, "Code 3 in housewares, "and see what happens.

4. Go the Service Desk and ask to put a bag of M&M's on lay away.

Cats

2011-01-22T11:41:00.001+05:30

A tom cat and a tabby cat were courting on a back fence at night.

The tom leaned over to the tabby with pent up passion and purred... "I'll die for you!"

The tabby gazed at him from under lowered eye lids and asked, "How many times?"

Computers and Cars

2011-01-21T11:41:00.001+05:30

At a computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared The computer
industry with the auto industry and stated: "If GM had kept up with
technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving
twenty-five dollar cars that got 1000 miles to the gallon."

In response to Bill's comments, General Motors issued a press release
stating: if GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be
driving cars with the following characteristics:

1. For no reason whatsoever your car would crash twice a day.

2. Every time they painted the lines on the road you would have to buy a
new car.

4. Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn, would cause
your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would
have to re-install the engine.

6. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable,
five times as fast, and twice as easy to drive, but would only run on
five percent of the roads.

8. New seats would force everyone to have the same size butt.

10. Occasionally for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out
and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door
handle, turned the key, and grabbed hold of the radio antenna.

11. GM would require all car buyers to also purchase a deluxe set of
Rand McNally road maps (now a GM subsidiary), even though they neither
need them nor want them. Attempting to delete this option would
immediately cause the car's performance to diminish by 50 percent or
more. Moreover, GM would become a target for investigation by the
Justice Dept.

12. Every time GM introduced a new model, car buyers would have to learn
how to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate
in the same manner as the old car.

13. You'd press the "start" button to shut off the engine.

Interesting 911 Calls

2011-01-13T16:24:00.001+05:30

Dispatcher: Nine-one-one

Caller: Hi, is this the police?

Dispatcher: This is 911. Do you need police assistance?

Caller: Well, I don't know who to call. Can you tell me how to cook a turkey? I've never cooked one before.

---

Dispatcher: Nine-one-one What is the nature of your emergency?

Caller: I'm trying to reach nine eleven but my phone doesn't have an eleven on it.

---

Dispatcher: Nine-one-one What's the nature of your emergency?

Caller: My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart.

Dispatcher: Is this her first child? Caller: No, you idiot! This is her husband

---

Dispatcher: Nine-one-one

Caller: Yeah, I'm having trouble breathing. I'm all out of breath. Darn...I think I'm going to pass out.

Dispatcher: Sir, where are you calling from? Caller: I'm at a pay phone. North and Foster. Damn....

Dispatcher: Sir, an ambulance is on the way. Are you an asthmatic?

Caller: No

Dispatcher: What where you doing before you started having trouble breathing?

Caller: Running from the police

Terms to Know

2011-01-11T13:05:00.000+05:30

TRAFFIC LIGHT -- apparatus that automatically turns red when your car approaches.

DIVORCE -- postgraduate in School of Love.

PIONEER -- early American who was lucky enough to find his way out of the woods.

PEOPLE -- some make things happen, some watch things happen, and the majority has no idea what's happened.

SWIMMING POOL -- a mob of people with water in it.

SELF-CONTROL -- the ability to eat only one peanut.

SALESMAN -- man with ability to convince wife she'd look fat in mink.

CANNIBAL -- person who likes to see other people stewed.

EGOCENTRIC -- a person who believes he is everything you know you are.

FOREIGN FILM -- any movie shown in Texas theater that isn't a western.

OPTIMIST -- girl who regards a bulge as a curve.

MAGAZINE -- bunch of printed pages that tell you what's coming in the next issue.

COLLEGE -- The four-year period when parents are permitted access to the telephone.

EMERGENCY NUMBERS -- Police station, fire department and places that deliver.

OPERA -- When a guy gets stabbed in the back and instead of bleeding he sings.

BUFFET -- A French word that means "Get up and get it yourself."

BABY-SITTER -- A teen-ager who must behave like an adult so that the adults who are out can behave like teen-agers.

TATTOO -- Permanent proof of temporary insanity.

Kids Answers to important questions

2011-01-06T22:09:00.000+05:30

HOW DO YOU DECIDE WHO TO MARRY?

You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like, if you like sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep the chips and dip coming. --Alan, age 10

No person really decides before they Grow up who they're going to marry. God decides it all way before, and you get to find out later who you're stuck with. --Kirsten, age 10

WHAT IS THE RIGHT AGE TO GET MARRIED?

Twenty-three is the best age because you know the person FOREVER by then. --Camille, age 10

No age is good to get married at. You Got to be a fool to get married. --Freddie, age 6

HOW CAN A STRANGER TELL IF TWO PEOPLE ARE MARRIED?

You might have to guess, based on whether they seem to be yelling at the same kids. --Derrick, age 8

WHAT DO YOU THINK YOUR MOM AND DAD HAVE IN COMMON?

Both don't want any more kids. --Lori, age 8

WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE?

Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to know each other. Even boys have something to say if you listen long enough. --Lynnette, age 8

On the first date, they just tell each other lies, and that usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date. --Martin, age 10

WHAT WOULD YOU DO ON A FIRST DATE THAT WAS TURNING SOUR?

I'd run home and play dead. The next day I would call all the newspapers and make sure they wrote about me in all the dead columns. --Craig, age 9

Large Family

2011-01-05T16:16:00.001+05:30

The mother of a large family was explaining why she dresses her children alike, right down to the youngest baby.

"When we had just four children, I dressed them alike so we wouldn't lose any of them."

"Now," she added, looking around at her brood of nine, "I dress them alike so we won't pick up any that don't belong to us."

Army of the Lord

2010-12-30T14:51:00.000+05:30

A friend was in front of me coming out of church one day, and as always the preacher was standing at the door shaking hands as the congregation departed. He grabbed my friend by the hand and pulled him aside.

The preacher said to him, "You need to join the Army of the Lord!"

My friend replied, "I'm already in the Army of the Lord, Preacher."

The preacher questioned, "How come I don't see you except for Christmas and Easter?"

He whispered back, "I'm in the secret service."

Darn Cat

2010-12-16T22:10:00.000+05:30

A couple was going out for the evening. They'd gotten ready, all dolled up, cat put out, etc. The taxi arrives, and as the couple got out, the cat shoots back in. They don't want the cat shut in the house, so the wife goes out to the taxi while the husband goes upstairs to chase the cat out. The wife, not wanting it known that the house will be empty explains to the taxi driver, "He's just going upstairs to say goodbye to my mother."

A few minutes later, the husband gets into the cab, "Sorry I took so long," he says. "Stupid old thing was hiding under the bed and I had to poke her with a coat hanger to get her to come out!"

Mad Cow Disease

2010-11-28T12:30:00.000+05:30

Two cows were chatting over the fence between their fields.

The first cow said, "I tell you, this mad cow disease is really scary. They say it is spreading fast; I heard it hit some cows down on the Johnson Farm."

The other cow replied, "I'm not worried, it doesn't affect us ducks."

New Proverbs for the New Millenium

2010-11-17T12:28:00.000+05:30

1. Home is where you hang your @.

2. The email of the species is more deadly than the mail.

3. A journey of a thousand sites begins with a single click.

4. You can't teach a new mouse old clicks.

5. Great groups from little icons grow.

6. Speak softly and carry a cellular phone.

7. In some places, C:\ is the root of all directories.

8. Oh, what a tangled Website we weave when first we practice.

9. Pentium wise, pen and paper foolish.

10. The modem is the message.

11. Too many clicks spoil the browse.

12. The geek shall inherit the earth.

13. Don't byte off more than you can view.

14. Fax is stranger than fiction.

15. What boots up, must come down.

16. Windows will never cease.

17. Virtual reality is its own reward.

18. Modulation in all things.

19. Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day, teach him to use the Net and he won't bother you for weeks.

20. There's no place like your homepage.

Classwork

2010-11-07T14:09:00.000+05:30

An English professor wrote the words, "Woman without her man is nothing" on the blackboard and directed his students to punctuate it correctly.

The men wrote: "Woman, without her man, is nothing."

The women wrote: "Woman: Without her, man is nothing."

Real Teachers

2010-11-06T11:21:00.000+05:30

Real teachers buy Excedrin and Advil in bulk at Sam's.

Real teachers will eat anything left in the teacher's lounge.

Real teachers grade papers in the car, during commercials, in faculty meetings, in the bathroom, and at the end of nine weeks have even been seen grading in church.

Real teachers know that sixth graders get hormones from Santa at Christmas.

Real teachers cheer when they hear that April 1st does not fall on a school day.

Real teachers can't walk past a crowd of kids without straightening up the line.

Real teachers never sit down without first checking the seat of the chair.

Real teachers have disjointed necks from writing on boards without turning around.

Real teachers wear glasses from trying to read the fine print in the teacher's manuals.

Real teachers have been timed gulping down lunch in 2 minutes 18 seconds. Master teachers can eat faster than that.

Real teachers can predict exactly which parents show up at open house.

Real teachers understand the importance of making sure every kid gets a Valentine.

Real teachers never teach the conjugations of "lie" and "lay" to eighth graders.

Anniversary Gift

2010-10-31T11:52:00.000+05:30

After she woke up, a woman told her husband, "I just dreamed that you gave me a pearl necklace for our anniversary. What do you think it means?"

"You'll know tonight," he said.

That evening, the man came home with a small package and gave it to his wife.

Delighted, she opened it - to find a book entitled "The Meaning of Dreams."

Temperature

2010-10-27T12:50:00.000+05:30

A CEO-type was in the hospital, being treated for a minor deal. For a week he'd made a complete nuisance of himself, irritating all the staff, shouting orders and demanding attention, complaining about the food, the bed, the temperature, the weather. Typical big shot.

One morning a nurse's helper entered the room, saying, "Time to take your temperature, sir."

After growling that she was disturbing his nap, the guy finally opened his mouth for the thermometer.

"Sorry, sir," said the nurse, "but for this test we need your temperature from the other end."

After bitching about the embarrassment and inconvenience, the guy finally rolled over and bared his butt. After the nurse finished, she said, "Stay exactly like that and don't move. I'll be back in five minutes to check up on you."

The nurse left, leaving the door ajar. The guy's back is to the door, and for over an hour, he hears people wandering up and down the hall, laughing. At length the guy's doctor entered the room, saw the guy with his bare butt in the air and gawked. Finally, he asks, "What's going on here?"

The guy barks, "Haven't you ever seen someone having their temperature taken?"

"Not with a daffodil."

Doctor Doctor...

2010-10-25T10:55:00.001+05:30

Doctor, Doctor I feel like a pair of curtains.

Well pull yourself together then .

---

Doctor, Doctor, everyone keeps ignoring me.

Next please!

---

Doctor, Doctor I keep thinking there is two of me.

One at a time please.

---

Doctor, Doctor, some days I feel like a tee-pee and other days I feel
like a wig-wam.

You're too tents.

---

Doctor, Doctor I keep thinking I'm invisible.

Who said that?

---

Doctor, Doctor My little boy has just swallowed a roll of film!

Hmmmm...Let's hope nothing develops.

---

Doctor, Doctor, I can't get to sleep.

Sit on the edge of the bed and you'll soon drop off.

---

Doctor, Doctor I've lost my memory!

When did this happen?

When did what happen?

---

Doctor, Doctor, I feel like a pack of cards.

I'll deal with you later.

---

Doctor, Doctor my son has swallowed my pen, what should I do?

Use a pencil 'till I get there.

Psychiatrists

2010-10-24T10:56:00.000+05:30

While attending a convention, three psychiatrists take a walk.

"People are always coming to us with their guilt and fears," one says, "but we have no one to go to with our own problems."

"Since we're all professionals," another suggests, "why don't we hear each other out right now?"

They agreed this is a good idea. The first psychiatrist confesses, "I'm a compulsive shopper and deeply in debt, so I usually overbill my patients as often as I can."

The second admits, "I have a drug problem that's out of control, and I frequently pressure my patients into buying illegal drugs for me."

The third psychiatrist says, "I know it's wrong, but no matter how hard I try, I just can't keep a secret."

Cats

2010-10-21T12:18:00.000+05:30

A tom cat and a tabby cat were courting on a back fence at night.

The tom leaned over to the tabby with pent up passion and purred... "I'll die for you!"

The tabby gazed at him from under lowered eye lids and asked, "How many times?"

Fun Things To Do At K-Mart (Or Wal-Mart)

2010-10-19T11:31:00.000+05:30

1. Take shopping carts for the express purpose of filling them and stranding them at strategic locations.

2. Ride those little electronic cars at the front of the store.

3. Set all the alarm clocks to go off at ten minute intervals throughout the day.

4. Start playing Calvin ball; see how many people you can get to join in.

5. Contaminate the entire auto department by sampling all the spray air fresheners.

6. Challenge other customers to duels with tubes of gift wrap.

7. Leave cryptic messages on the computers.

8. Re-dress the mannequins as you see fit.

9. When there are people behind you, walk REALLY SLOW, especially thin narrow aisles.

10. Walk up to an employee and tell him in an official tone, "I think we've got a Code 3 in Housewares," and see what happens.

11. Tune all the radios to a polka station; then turn them all off and turn the volumes to "10".

12. Play with the automatic doors.

Having a Bad Day?

2010-10-17T11:59:00.000+05:30

The average cost of rehabilitating a seal after the Exxon Valdez Oil spill in Alaska was $ 80,000.00. At a special ceremony, two of the most expensively saved animals were being released back into the wild amid cheers and applause from onlookers.

A minute later, in full view, a killer whale ate them both.

Skydiving

2010-10-16T18:13:00.000+05:30

Barbara was taking her first skydiving lesson. The instructor told her to jump out of the plane and pull her rip cord, explaining that he himself would jump out right behind her so that they would go down together. Barbara understood and was ready.

Just before it was time for Barbara to jump out of the plane, the instructor reminded her that he would be right behind her. She jumped, and, after being in the air for a few seconds, pulled the rip cord. The instructor followed her out of the plane.

He pulled his rip cord but the parachute didn't open. As he struggled to pull the emergency rip cord, he shot downward and darted past Barbara. Seeing this, Barbara quickly undid the straps to her own parachute, and yelled after him, "So you wanna race, huh?!"

Police Quotes

2010-10-14T13:05:00.000+05:30

"The handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll stretch out after you wear them awhile."

"If you run, you'll only go to jail tired."

"So, you don't know how fast you were going. I guess that means I can write anything I want on the ticket, huh?"

"Yes sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't think it will help. Oh, did I mention that I am the shift supervisor?"

"Warning! You want a warning? O.K., I'm warning you not to do that again or I'll give you another ticket."

"The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or dog?"

"Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven."

"Life's tough, it's tougher if you're stupid."

"No sir, we don't have quotas anymore. We used to have quotas, but now we're allowed to write as many tickets as we want."

"Just how big were those two beers?

Salesman

2010-10-13T11:45:00.000+05:30

"So, how did you do?" the boss asked his new salesman after his first day on the road.

"All I got were two orders."

"What were they? Anything good?"

"Nope," the salesman replied. "They were 'Get out!' and 'Stay out!"

Words

2010-10-08T13:29:00.000+05:30

A husband read an article to his wife about how many words women use a day... 30,000 to a man's 15,000. The wife replied, "The reason has to be because we have to repeat everything to men...

The husband then turned to his wife and asked,

"What?"

A Short History of Medicine

2010-09-23T11:58:00.001+05:30

"Doctor, I have an ear ache."

2000 B.C. - "Here, eat this root."

1000 B.C. - "That root is heathen, say this prayer."

1850 A.D. - "That prayer is superstition, drink this potion."

1940 A.D. - "That potion is snake oil, swallow this pill."

1985 A.D. - "That pill is ineffective, take this antibiotic."

2004 A.D. - "That antibiotic is artificial. Here, eat this root!"

New Car

2010-08-01T11:40:00.000+05:30

Reasons You Should Buy a New Car:

Your passenger seat is on the National Register of Historic Places.

Instead of an air bag, there is a whoopee cushion taped to your steering wheel.

You lose the stoplight challenge to a 14 year old on a moped.

15 minute Jiffy Lube needs to keep you car for 3 days.

When you gas up, the attendant asks, "Can I re-duct tape that windshield for you?"

Thieves repeatedly break in your car just to steal the "Club".

While sitting at a stop light, people keep running up to you and asking if anyone was hurt.

For the last five years, you've had to settle for making "vroom, vroom' noises while in the driveway.

You keep losing dates on left turns.

Facts about Men

2010-07-24T14:37:00.000+05:30

Husbands are like children -- they're fine if they're someone else's.

Never trust a man who says he's the boss at home. He probably lies about other things too.

A woman's work that is never done is the stuff she asked her husband to do.

Go for younger men. You might as well -- they never mature anyway.

Scientists have just discovered something that can do the work of five men -- a woman.

Men's brains are like the prison system -- not enough cells per man.

Men are like place mats. They only show up when there's food on the table.

Men are like mascara. They usually run at the first sign of emotion.

Men are like bike helmets. Handy in an emergency, but otherwise they just look silly.

Men are like parking spots. All the good ones are taken.

Men are like lava lamps. Fun to look at, but not all that bright.

Men are like bank accounts. Without a lot of money, they don't generate much interest.

Men are like high heels. They're easy to walk on once you get the hang of it.

Five Funny Messages to Send via Twitter

2009-05-24T12:45:00.001+05:30

- The longest sentence known to man: "I do."

- I only use deodorant under one arm, so I know what I would have
smelled like.

- Crime doesn't pay… Does that mean my job is a crime?

- This dog, is dog, a dog, good dog, way dog, to dog, keep dog, an
dog, idiot dog, busy dog, for dog, 20 dog, seconds dog! … Now read
without the word dog.

- Do you ever notice that when you're driving, anyone going slower
than you is an idiot and everyone driving faster than you is a maniac?

Not What You Expected

2009-05-14T11:30:00.001+05:30

Walking along the beach, Dave tripped over a half-buried kerosene
lantern. He rubbed its side and sure enough, a Genie materialized.

"I can't grant your wishes," explained the freed spirit. "But I'll
give you three gifts for releasing me: a potion to cure ill health, a
very large diamond, and a dinner date with a famous movie star. By
tomorrow afternoon, you will have received all these gifts."

When Dave returned home from work the next evening, he excitedly asked
his mother if anything had been delivered.

"Yes," she replied. "It's been an unusual day. At 2 p.m., a 55-gallon
drum of chicken soup arrived. About a half-hour later, a telegram came
saying that a long-lost relative had left you a minor-league baseball
stadium. Ten minutes ago, MGM called, inviting you to dinner with
Lassie tonight."

Gorilla Bar

2009-05-05T11:25:00.001+05:30

A gorilla walks into a bar. The bartender comes up to him and asks him
what he wants. "A scotch on the rocks, please." He then lays a ten-
dollar bill on the bar.

The bartender takes the money and goes to fix the gorilla's drink. He
thinks to himself, "Hey, this is a gorilla. He doesn't know about the
prices of drinks," and takes fifteen cents back as change. He sets the
drink and the money on the bar.

Another bartender asks the first bartender about the gorilla and he
says, "Yeah, he's nice. Go talk to him."

The second bartender goes to the gorilla and strikes up a
conversation. "Hey there. You know, we don't get too many gorillas in
here."

The gorilla responded, "Well, at $9.85 a drink, I surely ain't coming
back."

Very Weak

2009-04-29T13:53:00.001+05:30

One weekend, a man decided to call his mother in Florida because it
had been quite some time since they had chatted. The man asked his
mother, "How are you doing?"

She said, "Not to good. I' have been very weak."

The son then asked, "Mom, why are you so weak?"

She said, "Because I haven't eaten in 38 days."

The son then asked, "How come you haven't eaten in 38 days?"

His mother replied, "Because I didn't want my mouth to be filled with
food when you called."

Selling a Policy

2009-03-24T14:12:00.000+05:30

A man walks into an insurance office and asks for a job. "We don't
need any one," they replied.

"You can't afford not to hire me. I can sell anyone anytime any thing."

"We have two prospects that no one has been able to sell. If you can
sell just one, you have a job."

He was gone for about two hours and returned and handed them two
checks, one for a $80,000 policy and another for a $50,000 policy.
"How in the world did you do that," they asked.

"I told you I'm the world's best salesman, I can sell anyone anywhere
anytime."

"Did you get a urine sample?" they asked him.

"Why's that?" he asked.

"Well, if you sell a policy over $40,000 the company requires a urine
sample. Take these two bottles and go back and get urine samples."

He was gone for about eight hours and then he walks in with two five
gallon buckets, one in each hand. He sets the buckets down and reaches
in his shirt pocket and produces two bottles of urine and sets them on
the desk and says, "Here's Mr. Brown's and this one is Mr. Smith's."

"That's good," they said, "but what's in those two buckets?"

"Well, I passed by the school house and they were having a state
teachers convention and I sold them a group policy!"

New Suit

2009-03-21T11:52:00.000+05:30

A young banker decided to get his first tailor made suit. So he went
to the finest tailor in town and got measured for a suit. A week later
he went in for his first fitting. He put on the suit and he looked
stunning, he felt that in this suit he can do business.

As he was preening himself in front of the mirror he reached down to
put his hands in the pockets and to his surprise he noticed that there
were no pockets. He mentioned this to the tailor who asked him,
"Didn't you tell me you were a banker?"

The young man answered, "Yes, I did."

To this the tailor said, "Who ever heard of a banker with his hands in
his own pockets?"

Tell the Truth

2009-03-21T11:51:00.000+05:30

The Judge asked the defendant, "Mr. Jones ,do you understand that you
have sworn to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the
truth?"

"I do."

"Now what do you say to defend yourself?"

"Your Honor, under those limitations... nothing."

What is "pi"?

2009-03-09T11:47:00.000+05:30

Mathematician: Pi is the ratio of the circumference of a circle to its
diameter.

Engineer: Pi is about 22/7.

Physicist: Pi is 3.14159 plus or minus 0.000005

Computer Programmer: Pi is 3.141592653589 in double precision.

Nutritionist: You one track math-minded fellows, Pie is a healthy and
delicious dessert!

Two Hearts

2009-03-08T12:18:00.000+05:30

A man has a heart attack and is brought to the hospital ER. The doctor
tells him that he will not live unless he has a heart transplant right
away. Another doctor runs into the room and says, "You're in luck, two
hearts just became available, so you will get to choose which one you
want. One belongs to an attorney and the other to a social worker".

The man quickly responds, "The attorney's."

The doctor says, "Wait! Don't you want to know a little about them
before you make your decision?"

The man says, "I already know enough. We all know that social workers
are bleeding hearts and the attorney's probably never used his. So
I'll take the attorney's!"

Violin Shop

2009-03-08T12:17:00.000+05:30

Three violin manufactures have all done business for years on the same
block in the small town of Cremona, Italy. After years of a peaceful
co-existence, the Amati shop decided to put a sign in the window
saying: "We make the best violins in Italy."

The Guarneri shop soon followed suit, and put a sign in their window
proclaiming: "We make the best violins in the world."

Finally, the Stradivarius family put a sign out at their shop saying:
"We make the best violins on the block."

Five Senses

2009-03-04T13:52:00.000+05:30

Don't LOOK at anything in a physics lab.
Don't TASTE anything in a chemistry lab.
Don't SMELL anything in a biology lab.
Don't TOUCH anything in a medical lab.
and, most importantly,
Don't LISTEN to anything in a philosophy department

Taxes Defined

2009-03-01T13:30:00.000+05:30

A fine is a tax for doing something wrong.

A tax is a fine for doing something right.

Physics Student

2009-02-26T13:56:00.001+05:30

A physics student was hit by a brick falling from a house. He fainted,
but came to after a while and started smiling. The onlookers were
worried, so they asked him why the smile. "I just realized how lucky I
am because the kinetic energy is only half m v squared."

Farmer in the Big City

2009-02-24T13:56:00.000+05:30

A farmer, who went to a big city to see the sights, asked the hotel's
clerk about the time of meals.

"Breakfast is served from 7 to 11, dinner from 12 to 3, and supper
from 6 to 8," explained the clerk.

"Look here," inquired the farmer in surprise, "when am I going to get
time to see the city?"

Are you qualified to this job?

2009-02-20T14:20:00.001+05:30

Wanted: Hair-cutter. Excellent growth potential.

Wanted: Man to take care of cow that does not smoke or drink.

Wanted: Part-time married girls for soda fountain in sandwich shop.

Girl wanted to assist magician in cutting-off-head illusion. Blue
Cross and salary.

Wanted: Preparer of food. Must be dependable, like the food business,
and be willing to get hands dirty.

Wireless is Like a Cat

2009-02-18T13:19:00.000+05:30

"The wireless telegraph is not difficult to understand. The ordinary
telegraph is like a very long cat. You pull the tail in New York, and
it meows in Los Angeles. The wireless is the same, only without the
cat." -- Albert Einstein

How to Be Annoying

2009-02-17T13:30:00.000+05:30

* Adjust the tint on your TV so that all the people are green, and
insist to others that you "like it that way."

* Drum on every available surface.

* Sing the Batman theme constantly.

* Staple papers in the middle of the page.

* Ask 1-800 operators for their home phone number. If they don't give
it to you ask why they are calling YOU at home.

* Sew department store anti-theft detector strips into people's
backpacks.

* Write the surprise ending to a novel on its first page.

* Set alarms for random times.

* Honk and wave to strangers.

* Dress only in clothes colored Hunter's Orange.

* Change channels five minutes before the end of every show.

* Tape pieces of "Sweating to the Oldies" over climactic parts of
rental movies.

Real Users

2009-02-17T08:39:00.000+05:30

- Real users find the one combination of bizarre input values that
shuts down the system for days.

- Real users never know what they want, but they always know when your
program doesn't deliver it.

- Real users never use the Help key.

- Real users never stop asking new options.

- Real users never know what to do with new options.

Three Wishes

2009-02-15T12:55:00.002+05:30

Three men, an editor, a photographer, and a journalist are covering a
political convention in Miami. They decide to walk up and down the
beach during their lunch hour. Halfway up the beach, they stumbled
upon a lamp. As they rub the lamp a genie appears and says "Normally I
would grant you three wishes, but since there are three of you, I will
grant you each one wish."

The photographer went first. "I would like to spend the rest of my
life living in a huge house in St. Thomas with no money worries." The
genie granted him his wish and sent him on off to St. Thomas.

The journalist went next. "I would like to spend the rest of my life
living on a huge yacht cruising the Mediterranean with no money
worries." The genie granted him his wish and sent him off to the
Mediterranean.

Last, but not least, it was the editor's turn. "And what would your
wish be?" asked the genie.

"I want them both back after lunch" replied the editor, "The deadline
for tomorrow's newspaper is in about ten hours."

Responsible

2009-02-15T12:55:00.001+05:30

Employer to applicant: "In this job we need someone who is responsible."

Applicant: "I'm the one you want. On my last job, every time anything
went wrong, they said I was responsible."

Golfer vs. Skydiver

2009-02-13T13:30:00.000+05:30

What's the difference between a bad golfer and a bad skydiver?

A bad golfer goes, "Whack, oops!"

A bad skydiver goes "Oops, whack!"

Judge's Announcement

2009-02-11T15:04:00.001+05:30

A judge enters the courtroom, strikes the gavel and says, "Before I
begin this trial, I have an announcement to make.

"The lawyer for the defense has paid me $15,000 to swing the case his
way. The lawyer for the plaintiff has paid me $10,000 to swing the
case her way.

"In order to make this a fair trial, I am returning $5,000 to the
defense."

Absent-minded professor

2009-02-10T13:30:00.000+05:30

One of the world's greatest scientists was also recognized as the original absent-minded professor. One day, on board a train, he was unable to find his ticket. The conductor said, "Take it easy. You'll find it."

When the conductor returned, the professor still couldn't find the ticket. The conductor, recognizing the famous scientist, said, "I'm sure you bought a ticket. Forget about it."

"You're very kind," the professor said, "but I must find it, otherwise I won't know where to get off."

Male assertiveness

2009-02-08T13:24:00.000+05:30

A mild-mannered man was tired of being bossed around by his wife so he
went to a psychiatrist.

The psychiatrist said he needed to build his self-esteem, and so gave
him a book on assertiveness, which he read on the way home.

He had finished the book by the time he reached his house.

The man stormed into the house and walked up to his wife.

Pointing a finger in her face, he said, "From now on, I want you to
know that I am the man of this house, and my word is law! I want you
to prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm finished eating my
meal, I expect a sumptuous dessert afterward. Then, after dinner,
you're going to draw me my bath so I can relax. And when I'm finished
with my bath, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair?"

"The funeral director," said his wife.

The Less You Know, The More You Make

2009-02-07T15:07:00.001+05:30

"Salary Theorem" states that "Engineers and Scientists can never earn
as much as Business Executives and Sales People."

This theorem can now be supported by a mathematical equation based on
the following two postulates:

1. Knowledge is Power.
2. Time is Money.

As every engineer knows:
Power = Work / Time

Since:
Knowledge = Power
Time = Money

It follows that:
Knowledge = Work/Money.

Solving for Money, we get:
Money = Work / Knowledge.

Thus, as Knowledge approaches zero, Money approaches infinity,
regardless of the amount of work done.

Conclusion:
The less you know, the more you make.

Buy a Mac

2009-02-07T15:06:00.000+05:30

I was just having a conversation with someone who is about to buy a Mac.

I was against it and an argument started.

I said there were too few people supporting the Mac.

He responded, "When was the last time you heard of a virus on a Mac?"

And I said "See, even people who write viruses don't support Macs.

Sleeping at Work

2009-02-06T22:22:00.000+05:30

Ten best things to say if you get caught sleeping at your desk

10. "They told me at the blood bank this might happen."

9. "This is just a 15 minute power nap like they raved about in that
time management course you sent me to."

8. "Whew! Guess I left the top off the white out. You probably got
here just in time."

7. "I wasn't sleeping, I was meditating on the mission statement and
envisioning a new paradigm."

6. "I was testing my keyboard for drool resistance."

5. "I was doing a highly specific Yoga exercise to relieve work-
related stress. Do you discriminate against people who practice Yoga?"

4. "Why did you interrupt me? I had almost figured out a solution to
our biggest problem."

3. "The coffee machine is broken."

2. "Someone must have put decaf in the wrong pot."

1. " ... in God's name, Amen."

The Mystic

2009-02-04T13:30:00.000+05:30

An engineer, a physicist, a mathematician, and a mystic were asked to
name the greatest invention of all times.

The engineer chose fire, which gave humanity power over matter.

The physicist chose the wheel, which gave humanity the power over space.

The mathematician chose the alphabet, which gave humanity power over
symbols.

The mystic chose the thermos bottle.

"Why a thermos bottle?" the others asked.

"Because the thermos keeps hot liquids hot in winter and cold liquids
cold in summer."

"Yes -- so what?"

"Think about it." said the mystic reverently. That little bottle --
how does it know?"

The Three Laws of Secure Computing

2009-02-02T13:53:00.001+05:30

1) Don't buy a computer.

2) If you do buy a computer, don't plug it in.

3) If you do plug it in, sell it and return to step 1.

Cup Holder

2009-02-02T13:52:00.000+05:30

Caller: Hello, is this the Help Line?

HelpLine: Yes, it is. How may I help you?

Caller: The cup holder on my PC is broken and I am within my warranty
period. How do I go about getting that fixed?

HelpLine: I'm sorry, but did you say a cup holder?

Caller: Yes, it's attached to the front of my computer.

HelpLine: Please excuse me if I seem a bit stumped, it's because I am.
Did you receive this as part of a promotional, at a trade show? How
did you get this cup holder? Does it have any trademark on it?

Caller: It came with my computer, I don't know anything about a
promotional. It just has '4X' on it.

At this point the HelpLine operator realized that the caller had been
using the load drawer of the CD-ROM drive as a cup holder, and snapped
it off the drive.

Door Signs

2009-02-01T14:29:00.003+05:30

A person checks into a hotel for the first time in his life, and goes
up to his room. Five minutes later he calls the desk and say, "You've
given me a room with no exit. How do I leave?"

The desk clerk says, "Sir, that's absurd. Have you looked for the door?"

The person says, " Well, there's one door that leads to the bathroom.
There's a second door that goes into the closet. And there's a door I
haven't tried, but it has a 'do not disturb' sign on it."

Stupid Computer Tricks

2009-02-01T14:29:00.001+05:30

- Computer manufacturers are considering changing the command "Press
Any Key" to "Press Return Key" because of the flood of calls asking
where the "Any" key is.

- A technician received a call from a man complaining that the system
wouldn't read word processing files from his old diskettes. After
trouble-shooting for magnets and heat failed to diagnose the problem,
it was found that the customer labeled the diskettes then rolled them
into his typewriter to type the labels.

- A customer was asked to send a copy of her defective diskettes to
the technician. A few days later a letter arrived from the customer
along with Xeroxed copies of her diskettes.

- A technician advised his customer to put his troubled floppy back in
the drive and close the door. The customer put the disk in, asked the
tech to hold on, and was heard putting the phone down, getting up and
closing the door to his room.

- A customer called to complain that his keyboard no longer worked. He
had cleaned it by filling up his tub with soap and water and soaking
the keyboard for a day, then he removed all the keys and washed them
individually.

- An exasperated caller to Tech Support couldn't get her new computer
to turn on. After ensuring the computer was plugged in, the technician
asked her what happened when she pushed the power button. Her response
"I pushed and pushed on this foot pedal and nothing happens." The
"foot pedal" turned out to be the computer's mouse.

- Another customer called Tech Support to say her brand-new computer
wouldn't work. She said she unpacked the unit, plugged it in, and sat
there for 20 minutes waiting for something to happen. When asked what
happened when she pressed the power switch, she asked "What power
switch?"

Got Any Grapes

2009-01-31T14:51:00.000+05:30

A duck walks into a bar and asks, "Got any grapes?" The bartender,
confused, tells the duck that no, his bar doesn't serve grapes. The
duck thanks him and leaves.

The next day, the duck returns and says, "Got any grapes?" Again, the
bartender tells him that, no, the bar does not serve grapes, has never
served grapes, and, furthermore, will never serve grapes. The duck, a
little ruffled, thanks him and leaves.

The next day, the duck returns, but before he can say anything, the
bartender begins to yell: ''Listen, duck! This is a bar! We do not
serve grapes! If you ever ask for grapes again, I will nail your
stupid duck beak to the bar!''

The duck is silent for a moment, and then asks, ''Got any nails?''

Confused, the bartenders says no.

''Good!'' says the duck. ''Got any grapes?''

You Know You Work for the Government If..

2009-01-28T19:02:00.000+05:30

- When someone asks about what you do for a living, you lie.

- You get really excited about a 2% pay raise.

- Your biggest loss from a system crash is you lose your best jokes.

- Your supervisor doesn't have the ability to do your job.

- You sit in a cubicle smaller than your bedroom closet.

- It no longer amazes you that computer security is more important
than having computers.

- Your office computer was just upgraded to a 200 MHz Pentium this year.

- Computer specialists know less about computers than your teenager.

- Lunch is like another scheduled meeting, only shorter.

- You and your coequals always consume the free food left over from
VIP meetings.

- It's dark when you drive to and from work.

- You're forced to park your car a mile from the office because of all
the commanders, customers, designated contractor, VIP's, employees of
the month/quarter/year and visitor, parking spaces by the main entrance.

You are a Nerd If...

2009-01-28T04:08:00.000+05:30

- If you rotate your screen savers more frequently than your
automobile tires

- If you have a functioning home copier machine, but every toaster you
own turns bread into charcoal

- If you have more toys than your kids

- If you need a checklist to turn on the TV

- If you have introduced your kids by the wrong name

- If you have a habit of destroying things in order to see how they work

- If your I.Q. number is bigger than your weight

- If the microphone or visual aids at a meeting don't work and you
rush up to the front to fix it

- If you can remember 7 computer passwords but not your anniversary

- If you have memorized the program scheduled for the Discovery
channel and have seen most of the shows already.

The Most Important Discoveries

2009-01-28T04:07:00.000+05:30

Man discovered weapons, invented hunting.
Woman discovered hunting, invented furs.

Man discovered colors, invented painting.
Woman discovered painting, invented make-up.

Man discovered speech, invented conversation.
Woman discovered conversation, invented gossip.

Man discovered agriculture, invented food.
Woman discovered food, invented diet.

Man discovered friendship, invented love.
Woman discovered love, invented marriage.

Man discovered trade, invented money.
Woman discovered money, man has never recovered.

Apprentice Blacksmith

2009-01-26T19:21:00.000+05:30

The village blacksmith finally found an apprentice willing to work
hard for long hours. The blacksmith immediately began his instructions
to the lad, "When I take the shoe out of the fire, I'll lay it on the
anvil; and when I nod my head, you hit it with this hammer."

The apprentice did just as he told. Now he's the village blacksmith.

Plane Crisis

2009-01-24T15:22:00.000+05:30

A priest, a rabbi and a consultant were traveling on an airplane.
There was a crisis and it was clear that the plane was going to crash
and they would all be killed. The priest began to pray and finger his
rosary beads, the rabbi began to read the Torah and the consultant
began to organize a committee on air traffic safety.

The President's Puzzle

2009-01-20T14:41:00.000+05:30

Dick Cheney walks into the Oval Office and sees The President whooping and hollering.

"What's the matter, Mr. President?" The Vice President inquired.

"Nothing at all, boss. I just done finished a jigsaw puzzle in record time!" The President beamed.

"How long did it take you?"

"Well, the box said '3 to 5 Years' but I did it in a month!"

CIA - Computer Industry Acronyms

2009-01-17T16:46:00.000+05:30

- CD-ROM: Consumer Device, Rendered Obsolete in Months
- PCMCIA: People Can't Memorize Computer Industry Acronyms
- ISDN: It Still Does Nothing
- SCSI: System Can't See It
- MIPS: Meaningless Indication of Processor Speed
- DOS: Defunct Operating System
- WINDOWS: Will Install Needless Data On Whole System
- OS/2: Obsolete Soon, Too
- PnP: Plug and Pray
- APPLE: Arrogance Produces Profit-Losing Entity
- IBM: I Blame Microsoft
- DEC: Do Expect Cuts
- MICROSOFT: Most Intelligent Customers Realize Our Software Only Fools Teenagers
- CA: Constant Acquisitions
- COBOL: Completely Obsolete Business Oriented Language
- LISP: Lots of Insipid and Stupid Parentheses
- MACINTOSH: Most Applications Crash; If Not, The Operating System Hangs
- AAAAA: American Association Against Acronym Abuse.
- WYSIWYMGIYRRLAAGW: What You See Is What You Might Get If You're Really Really Lucky And All Goes Well.

Devil to the Salesman

2009-01-17T16:43:00.000+05:30

The Devil tells a salesman, "Look, I can make you richer, more famous, and more successful than any salesman alive. In fact, I can make you the greatest salesman that ever lived."

"Well," says the salesman, "what do I have to do in return?"

The Devil smiles, "Well, of course you have to give me your soul," he says, "but you also have to give me the souls of your children, the souls of your children's children and, as a matter of fact, you have to give me the souls of all your descendants throughout eternity."

"Wait a minute," the salesman says cautiously, "What's the catch?"

Ordering Mongoose

2009-01-13T14:59:00.000+05:30

The manager of a large city zoo was drafting a letter to order a pair of animals. He sat at his computer and typed the following sentence: "I would like to place an order for two mongooses, to be delivered at your earliest convenience."

He stared at the screen, focusing on that odd word mongooses. Then he deleted the word and added another, so that the sentence now read: "I would like to place an order for two mongeese, to be delivered at your earliest convenience."

Again he stared at the screen, this time focusing on the new word, which seemed just as odd as the original one. Finally, he deleted the whole sentence and started all over. "Everyone knows no full-stocked zoo should be without a mongoose," he typed. "Please send us two of them."

Planting Potatoes

2009-01-08T15:59:00.000+05:30

A farmer gets sent to jail, and his wife is trying to hold the farm together until her husband can get out. She's not, however, very good at farm work, so she writes a letter to him in jail: "Dear sweetheart, I want to plant the potatoes. When is the best time to do it?"

The farmer writes back: "Honey, don't go near that field. That's where all my guns are buried."

But, because he is in jail all of the farmer's mail is censored. So when the sheriff and his deputies read this, they all run out to the farm and dig up the entire potato field looking for guns. After two full days of digging, they don't find one single weapon.

The farmer then writes to his wife: "Honey, now is when you should plant the potatoes."

One Ruble

2009-01-06T17:59:00.000+05:30

A Russian walks into a bar and orders a beer. "That will be one ruble," says the bartender.

"One ruble!" the customer protests, "last week it was only fifty kopeks!"

"Well," replies the bartender, "it's fifty kopeks for the beer and fifty kopecs for the perestroika."

Reluctantly, the customer gives the bartender a ruble, and is surprised when the bartender gives him back fifty kopecs and says, "We are out of beer."

The Four Stages of Life

2008-12-24T15:56:00.002+05:30

1. You believe in Santa Claus.
2. You don't believe in Santa Claus.
3. You are Santa Claus.
4. You look like Santa Claus.

MERRY CHRISTMAS

Day Off

2008-12-08T14:58:00.000+05:30

A doctor has some trouble with the kitchen sink, on a public holiday. He calls the local plumber, only to be told that it's his day off.

"But I get called out on my days off, too!" says the doctor, somewhat exasperated." So, the plumber relents.

The plumber arrives, and glances over the sink, looking preoccupied. He mumbles something about golf, then hands the doctor a couple of aspirin and walks out, saying, "Put these in. If it doesn't clear up in 24 hours, call me tomorrow."

The Most Gruesome Death

2008-11-24T10:26:00.000+05:30

There was a long, long line of spirits at the gate waiting to get into heaven. Not all these spirits could fit into heaven, so the ones who died the worst death would be allowed in.

The first man in line started telling his story, "Well, Peter, you see, I knew that my wife was cheating on me so I decided to come home early from work one day to catch them in action. I got home and searched all over but I couldn't find him. Then when I walked out onto the balcony, there he was dangling off the darn thing by his fingertips. So I ran and got a hammer then started beating him with it and he fell. Well, the fall didn't kill him, because he landed in a bush so I picked up the refrigerator and threw it on him. Although that killed him, the strain gave me a heart attack, and here I am."

The next man came up and started his story. "St. Peter, I always work out on my balcony on the 14th floor of my apartment building. I was on my bike one day and I fell off when it flipped. I sailed over the rail and I thought "Please God spare my life" and he did. I caught on to a balcony below me. I was even happier when a man discovered me hanging there. But all of a sudden he started beating my hands with a hammer so I fell again. But the dear Lord saved me again when I landed in a bush. But I'm here now because the guy threw his refrigerator on top of me."

It was now the third guy's turn to start his story. "Well, Peter, just picture this. I'm hiding butt naked in this married chick's refrigerator....."

School Lunch

2008-09-21T12:20:00.000+05:30

The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray:

"Take only ONE. God is watching."

Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies.

A child had written a note, "Take all you want. God is watching the apples.

Cremate Me

2008-09-16T15:43:00.002+05:30

A businessman on his deathbed called his friend and said, "Bill, I want you to promise me that when I die you will have my remains cremated."

"And what," his friend asked, "do you want me to do with your ashes?"

The businessman said, "Just put them in an envelope and mail them to the Internal Revenue Service and write on the envelope, 'Now you have everything.'"